Contrary to the predictions of political analysts and basic common sense everywhere, Donald Trump appears to be going from strength to strength in his bid for the Presidency. This prompted the other GOP candidates and the party leadership to hold an emergency private meeting about the galactic-sized disaster that is unfolding in their name in the form of the megalomaniac real estate developer and reality TV star. Lindsey Graham was said to be in shock at the positive response Trump was getting by giving full voice to Republican talking points.
“We never intended ALL of the nasty policies we advocate to ever be FULLY implemented. Wasn’t that obvious?”
That was why most Republican candidates made sure they had a fatal flaw, so that in the end some level of sanity would prevail and the party would chose vaguely tolerable candidates like John McCain or Mitt Romney. With not-totally-unpleasant candidate Jeb Bush, or possibly John Kasich, poised to assume frontrunner status and betray the Republican grass roots by moving slightly to the center on at least one issue, the master plan for 2016 was in place. That is, until Donald Trump came along, according to GOP chairman, Reince Priebus.
“What in the name of all that is holy have we created?”
While it was initially assumed that the bouffanted buffoon would merely add some levity to the earliest stages of the primary race, it has become increasingly clear that he represents the logical extension of all that the party of Lincoln stands for these days. His huge gathering over the weekend in Alabama proved Trump was poised to ride a populist wave all the way to the White House, where he would implement the entire Republican Party Platform as written.
“Hell on Earth, in other words.”
Candidates Scott Walker and Mike Huckabee had a particularly hard time dealing with the fact that they might have handed Trump what he needed to implement all of their mean-sipirited policies on a national scale.
“Is this what the greedy German Industrialists who backed Hitler felt like? Lord, grant us mercy!”
The candidates decided they needed the guidance of the Congressional leaders, Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, who were present at the meeting but who had jointly excused themselves to go the bathroom. But in a scene reminiscent of the movie ‘Downfall’, they were subsequently found in an ante-chamber slouched in armchairs, each with an empty bottle of bourbon in one hand and the revolver they had just shot themselves through the head with in the other. Rick Santorum led a brief benediction.
Just when the remaining Republicans couldn’t imagine the situation getting any worse, word arrived that Trump had further consolidated his lead, and there was now talk of building a border fence with ‘Trumptowers’ at 200 yard intervals which paid-up NRA members could use to shoot people on the other side for sport.
“It’s like something straight out of Schlinder’s List.”
Jeb Bush tried to argue that Trump was just using hyperbole and they were over-reacting. Marco Rubio shook his head in dismay.
“What do you think he means, Jeb, when he talks about ‘punting’ anchor babies?”
Bush opined that Trump presumably intends to deny them automatic citizenship as a birthright like many of the other Republican candidates propose.
“No, Jeb, he literally plans to ‘punt’ them back into Mexico.”
The mental image of thousands of undocumented newborns having their skulls crushed by the boots of NFL kickers – and then arcing in a lifeless ballistic trajectory over a pristine border fence to plop down dead on the soil of their parents native land – was too much for Bush and many of the formerly tough-talking candidates, and they quietly gathered in a corner with a hand grenade and pulled the pin. The blast injured, but did not kill, Rick Perry, who had never really understood what was going on in the first place, and who now wandered about aimlessly like a naked war orphan.
“I just want to go home.”
Carly Fiorina, being one of the few who could still think straight, decided to try to reason with Trump businesswoman to businessman. She got a hold of him easily enough but made little headway as Trump kept asking whether she still got her periods or was just a cranky old witch all of the time now. He then cackled down the line that he was going launch a first strike against a few countries during his first hundred days ‘just to see what it feels like’.
There was one final brief moment of hope when it occurred to them that Ben Carson had made a splash on twitter, so maybe he could dislodge Trump if they all rallied behind him. However, when they proposed their plan, they quickly realized the neurosurgeon had already performed a lobotomy on himself to spare his mind the pain of knowing he had associated himself with any of this in the first place.
“He could have at least drilled us first.”
The meeting concluded when Rand Paul revealed that he had enough cyanide capsules on his person for everyone who was still alive.