Illuminati Revealed To Be Nothing But Bankers And Other Boring Rich People

After centuries of mystery and wonder, the infamous Illuminati – a rumored secret organization that controls the world – has been exposed as nothing more than a group of hedge fund traders, overpaid CEOs, and other very boring people that have far too much money. X-Files fans were among those disgusted by the news.

“I’ve long realized there are people whose greedy actions make my life so much less than it could be, but I always enjoyed the belief that they formed a secret diabolical organization that is descended from the Knights Templar.”

These dull modern-day Illuminati do control the world, but not in a clandestine fashion by meeting in secret lodges wearing flowing robes. Instead they control the world openly – through the funding of SuperPACS and lobby groups to control the government, and by hoarding all the nation’s wealth for themselves through low tax rates.

“They don’t even conduct elaborate rituals involving goat heads in forest clearings. My one small pleasure in life was knowing that was happening out there somewhere.”

This has caused the 99% to start wondering why these selfish creatures are tolerated, given that they have no mystique about them to inspire and intrigue the rest of us.

“If that’s all they are then we might as well do away with them because they’ve nothing to offer. We know who they are so it should be easy.”

3 Comments on "Illuminati Revealed To Be Nothing But Bankers And Other Boring Rich People"

  1. Hello I am Sir Victor smith, I am one of the agents sent by the
    high priest to bring as many of those who are interested in seeing the light
    and becoming a member of the Illuminati to the great
    Illuminati temple,I am a business man I own private companies all over the world
    but I was once like you I could not even feed my family
    what kind of life was that to live?. I lived in poverty until I saw an
    opportunity to be a member of the great Illuminati Family
    and I took my chances and I have been a member for close to nine years
    now. Illuminati makes your business/ careers grows and many more
    other benefits so if you are interested write me via my mail [email protected]

  2. People always ask, “What is the Illuminati? Are they real?” I’ve learned the name illuminati itself is a cover. They are actually the Jesuits of the Catholic Church. This is a fact. Here’s a quote from John Adams:

    “My history of the Jesuits is not eloquently written, but it is supported by unquestionable authorities, [and] is very particular and very horrible. Their [the Jesuit Order’s] restoration [in 1814 by Pope Pius VII] is indeed a step toward darkness, cruelty, despotism, [and] death. … I do not like the appearance of the Jesuits. If ever there was a body of men who merited eternal damnation on earth and in hell, it is this Society of [Ignatius de] Loyola.” – John Adams

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