In Defense Of The American Dentist Who Killed Cecil The Lion

[Special guest editorial by A Wildebeest]

At a time like this, emotions run high, and you’re probably already angry with me over the title of this piece.  But there are some people who are very thankful for the actions of Walter Palmer, and I include myself among them.  Before you go and trash my reputation on Yelp, hear me out.  First, though, I wish to empathize with readers in the United States of America. I understand you gave out a huge sigh of relief when it first leaked that it was a Spaniard that had done the foul deed.  How cruel to later find out – in a revelation that was a shock to absolutely nobody whatsoever – that the killer was a wealthy middle-aged white American male who liked going overseas to kill things. (But before the rest of you get too smug, just remember what you collectively did to the American Buffalo – and the American Indian.  Did I just go there?  Yes I did.  Ouch!)

I must address the charge that the dentist in hiding is a coward. I can tell you from experience that going up against a lion takes guts, whether you only have a well-developed sense of hearing like I do, or, like the brave dentist, nothing other than 4-wheel drive vehicles, a cortege of well-informed armed guides, an arsenal of modern weaponry, and a pre-frontal cortex that, though underdeveloped by human standards, was more that a match for the doomed big cat.

Now prepare yourselves, because I know something about Cecil that will totally change up your opinion on this story.

THAT DUDE WAS A KILLER, PEOPLE!

Yep, and he’s even killed some of my own friends, the sick bastard. So, Walter, you’re always welcome at my watering hole.  Now I do admit that there are some unsavory things about how the dentist hunter went about things.

Like the fact that he kills not to eat, but to hang his preys’ heads up on a wall (WTF ?!?)…

And the fact that his ‘apology’ was not an apology at all…

And the fact that he employs euphemistic phrases like ‘take’ instead of ‘kill’…

And the fact that he uses his vast disposable income to tempt people to break their laws…

And the fact that he claims killing animals is a means to conserve them…

And the fact that he breaks laws and lies to wildlife authorities…

And the fact that he made Jimmy Kimmel upset (almost unforgivable).

BUT when you have 400 pounds of raw killing machine closing in on you looking to make you their next meal, these ‘issues’ don’t carry the same weight.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend – even if he is a creepy-looking sociopath.  Am I right?

Now you’ll have to excuse me as I think I see a pack of hyenas who are itching to eat me alive.

Where’s a Minnesota dentist when you need one?

1 Comment on "In Defense Of The American Dentist Who Killed Cecil The Lion"

  1. But Wildebeest is yummy when marinated and grilled! Add some seasoned curly fries for that backyard barbeque fun.

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