Irish Government To Replace Entire Citizenry With St. Patrick’s Day Revelers From USA

Better than the real thing - Pittsburghers celebrating St.Pats (by Flickr user DrivingtheNortheast license CC BY 2.0)

The head of the Irish Government unveiled a bold initiative today to improve the supposed dire condition of the Irish Republic during the traditional annual visit to present the U.S. President with shamrock.

“We’re going to offer Irish Passports to all the St. Patrick’s Day celebrants across the U.S.A. up to a maximum of 5 million.”

The idea for the proposal came as senior government officials deserted the country to make appearances at various St. Patrick’s Day events all over the United States, where the holiday is enthusiastically celebrated and everyone is said to be Irish for a day.

“How about being Irish for life instead, lads? I always hear from you fun-loving Americans dressed in green how much you’d love to live in Ireland. Well, here’s your chance!”

When asked what will happen to the native population, government officials that they are to be stripped of their Irish Citizenship and forcibly expelled from the country by being put out to sea.

“All they do is bitch and moan anyway about how much they hate living here, so good riddance to them. My advice is to head for Germany.”

Critics of the plan point out that the traditional Irish traits of begrudgery and seeing the downside of everything run especially strong in the politicians who would remain – so they would in all likelihood infect the optimistic new citizenry from across the pond with their melancholy outlook, bringing things back to the way they were in short order.

“It’s in the soil here, there’s no changing it sure there isn’t.”

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