The head of the Irish Government, Enda Kenny, unveiled a bold initiative today to improve the supposed dire condition of the Irish Republic while he was making the traditional annual visit to present the U.S. President with shamrock.
“We’re going to offer Irish Passports to all St. Patrick’s Day celebrants across the U.S.A. up to a maximum of 5 million.”
The idea for the proposal came as senior government officials deserted the country to make appearances at various St. Patrick’s Day events all over the United States, where the holiday is enthusiastically celebrated and everyone is said to be Irish for a day.
“How about for life? I always hear from these fun-loving Americans dressed in green how much they’d love to live in Ireland. Well here’s their chance.”
When asked what will happen to the native population, Kenny replied that they are to be stripped of their Irish Citizenship and forcibly expelled from the country by being put out to sea.
“All they do is bitch and moan anyway about how much they hate living here, so good riddance to them. My advice is to head for Germany.”
Critics of the plan point out that the traditional Irish traits of begrudgery and seeing the downside of everything run especially strong in the politicians who will remain – so they will in all likelihood infect the optimistic new citizens with their melancholy outlook, bringing things back to the way they were in short order.