Said he was unwilling to violate guidelines to help combat the spread of the novel coronavirus, the Son of Man has decided not to participate in the Second Coming next week as he had originally planned to.
“It’s the right thing to do. I originally earmarked it for next week way back in 2019 before any of this shit started.”
He added he was disappointed by those who criticized his decision, saying they were not thinking through the logical consequences of such an action.
“Visiting Earth again right now would be completely irresponsible. I have elderly parents and a Holy Spirit with pre-existing conditions that I’m bubbling with to think about.”
Asked how he was faring, Jesus said he was doing ‘okay’.
“I’ve stockpiled plenty of food and toilet paper so this deity is going to continue to hunker down and finally catch The Wire while we all wait for the vaccines to roll out.”
He added that he had a special message for his followers who were disregarding the advice of health officials.
“As you know I’m a big proponent of the Golden Rule – which in this case translates to MASK UP ASSHOLES! If you still don’t want to maybe you should be following the other guy instead of me.”