Former President Jimmy Carter let loose a rare flash of anger today when it dawned on him that the steps he took to avoid a conflict of interest on assuming the Presidency in the 1970s were needless. Carter had no idea you could be President while still earning millions a year from hotels and granting favors. Though Carter never owned a global business empire like President Trump does, he did own a peanut farm, which he turned over to a blind trust on being elected to the highest office in the land.
“I could have been raking in peanut cash during my Presidency, but instead I put it in a blind trust and didn’t take advantage of all the influence I had. Boy do I feel like an idiot!”
Carter says he was dissuaded from retaining personal control of his nut business at the time because it appeared to violate the Constitution and seemed in his mind to represent a massive conflict of interest. He continued his costly mistakes even after he lost his re-election bid to Ronald Reagan.
“I could have spent my Post-Presidency charging enormous speaking fees like Bill Clinton did, but instead I spent it monitoring free elections and eradicating disease around the world in exchange for coach airfare and a Subway sandwich. I didn’t even insist on a footlong or the meal deal. What the heck is wrong with me?”
Though Donald Trump’s flagrant mixing of his personal business interests and the Office of the Chief Executive have laid Carter’s error clear, he had started to suspect he’d fucked it all up during the Presidency of George W Bush – when he observed how then-Vice President Dick Cheney’s company Haliburton earned billions in Federal contracts related to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“I didn’t start a single war during my Presidency – not one! If only I’d known I could have used them to make heaping piles of cash for me and my friends. Darn it!”