Former U.S. President and Nobel Prize winning humanitarian Jimmy Carter is no spring chicken anymore and a recent bout with cancer was a reminder of his and everyone else’s mortality. He is relaxed and ready for whatever the future holds, and hopes to continue as before as long as his health permits it. One thing he says he will change during the time he has left is he is no longer going to hold his tongue about all the idiocy that he has had to put up with during his 90+ years on the planet.
“I may be a gentle peanut farmer from Georgia at heart, but – make no mistake – there’s going to be some tongue-lashings over the next few weeks that would make a sailor blush.”
The nonagenarian – who, lest it be forgot, was a Navy submariner who served his county unlike some former Presidents that he could, and now probably will, mention – said the stakes are just too high to allow decorum to prevent him from letting certain groups of people know exactly what a bunch of selfish hypocritical dangerous misogynistic uncaring racist greedy aggrandizing asswipes they really are.
“Did someone just say Big Business, the Religious Right, the Republican Party, and many Democrats too? Yeah – I did. Deal.”
Though his stature has grown immensely during his post-presidency, Carter’s brief tenure in the White House is still held in relatively low esteem as a period of stagnancy and underachievement. Though he readily acknowledges there is some truth to that, his response to those who claim he achieved nothing is terse and to the point.
“Camp David Accords, jackholes. Look it up.”
Another thing he is proud of is the fact that his presidency was a period when the United States did not engage in any wars. On hearing that Fox News is using this to accuse him of being weak-kneed, Carter immediately grabs an aide’s phone so he can tweet a swift rebuttal.
“Hey @FoxNews did it ever occur 2u that it takes an even stronger man 2b prepared 2 look weak? Think about it, Einsteins. #RogerAilesBlows”
This is followed by a barrage of posts detailing how his efforts in the Middle East led to a lasting framework for peace as opposed to the unholy clusterfuck [sic] their favorite son George ‘Dubya’ saddled the world with. When asked if he’s going to give critic Ted Cruz a dose of his real talk during the upcoming Republican primary race, Carter demurs.
“He’s kind of like a yappy little dog that is constantly nipping at your heels – you want to teach it a lesson it won’t forget but you just can’t bring yourself to do so because it’s so utterly pathetic.”
Carter says, when the time comes, he is ready to meet his maker. He remains deeply religious despite all the cruelty and injustice that God permits in the world, though that is something he does not intend to keep quiet about in the afterlife.
“We’ll be having words.”