John Kelly Credits Stress Pillow For His Success As Chief Of Staff

Saying he ‘couldn’t go a day without one now’, John Kelly paid tribute to his stress pillow today, which he affectionately calls his ‘howlcatcher’.

“This one here is howlcatcher the twelfth, as I’ve already gone through quite a few!”

At first, government penny pinchers questioned why anyone would need so many pillows for work. Once Kelly explained that he wasn’t using them for naps, the expenses were approved.

“When you’re yelling at full volume into your stress pillow five times a day, spit rapidly turns it into a soggy mess, so these purchases are justified.”

After realizing just how much he would have to endure a couple of days into the job, the retired General knew he needed some new tools to deal with the stress.

“I’ve been reading Mommy blogs for tips which has helped a lot.”

In addition to teaching him to relieve stress by yelling into a pillow, Kelly says the mommy blogs have proved useful in other regards.

“I learned about techniques such as redirection, timeouts and the importance of a rigid schedule, which have proven quite successful when applied to No. 45.”

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