[The White House] News has leaked about the celebrations that were held for Barack Obama’s 55th birthday, which was his last one as President. Obama was particularly touched by the actions of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who presented him with a MQ-9 Reaper drone as a parting gift to their Commander-in-Chief.

“It was that or golf clubs and we figured he already has golf clubs.”

A delighted Obama joked ‘How did you know’ and said he would cherish the lethal unmanned aerial vehicle for the rest of his days. Inside the birthday card that came with it were ten ‘hellfire missile coupons’ that were personally handmade by the Chief of Staff of the Air Force.

“Those never expire, Mister President, I mean that.”

The Generals and one Admiral had a good time joking with Obama that he should program in the co-ordinates of any young men Sasha or Malia show too much interest in, as well as the home addresses of Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump. They then asked if they could talk business for a moment.

“But in all seriousness, Mister President, Trump has been preprogrammed. Just in case.”