Josh Groban Fans Tragically Die Of Malnutrition While Stuck In First Niagara Parking Lot

Image credit: 'Josh Groban on Walmart Soundcheck' (cropped) by Flickr user Lunchbox LP license CC BY 2.0.

A Shadyside couple attending a concert by Josh Groban at the First Niagara Pavilion has tragically died while waiting to get out of the parking lot after the performance had concluded. The coroner identified the cause of death as malnutrition.

“The average human can go without calories for only so long.”

The couple would have succumbed to dehydration even sooner, but they had an ample stock of Whole Foods Market Italian still mineral water with them. Other East End residents who made it out alive place the blame firmly on the promoters.

“It’s irresponsible to book an act like Josh Groban there. He should have played the Byham or Heinz Hall where his fans can make a dash for Meat&Potatoes or Olive-or-Twist in an emergency.”

A spokesperson for the venue said they don’t usually have this problem as the country and hard rock fans they typically host are much more resilient to extreme deprivation and hardship. They gave special mention to heavy metal fans as being virtually indestructible.

“You could detonate a 10-megaton nuclear device over Burgettstown and the typical Slipknot fan would take it in their stride.”

Friends of the deceased said at least they passed having just heard the strains of the easy listening music they loved so much, though they are haunted by thoughts of how this disaster could have been averted.

“If only they’d purchased the VIP parking for an extra $30 – then they might have stood a chance.”

A memorial service at the First Unitarian Church on Morewood Avenue is being planned for later this week.

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