(Pyongyang, DPRK) Ruthless North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un made a stunning announcement today that he would step aside to allow the country to hold free and fair democratic elections. In his last act in office he plans to end his country’s nuclear weapons program and establish a framework for ending the militarization of the Korean peninsula by opening peace talks with South Korea.
The highly unexpected turnaround followed a visit by Kim to a orphanage as part of a cynical set piece of propaganda. While normally indifferent to the suffering of millions of his people including children, Kim became visible moved when one of the undersized babies offered him a Pepsi.
“It wasn’t even fullsize but the small can like you get on airplanes. Still he could barely get his little hand around it. So CUTE!”
The leader known for routinely killing members of his own family and executing his defense minister with an anti-aircraft gun suddenly realized the world could be a much better place as the thought of consuming a refreshing sugared beverage washed over him.
“What’s amazing is that he had a Pepsi to give me in the first place, since normally even rice and water are a problem to secure!”
Given that, some commentators are postulating that it must have been a CIA plot to overthrow the Stalinist dictator by seducing him with the hollow blandness of exploitative western corporatism.
“Whatever it was, it worked.”
Kim quickly ordered a truckload of Pepsi which he plans to use to assuage the millions of people expected to beat him to death once they realize they no longer have anything to fear.
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