The laboratory that performed the analysis of President Trump’s coronavirus test – which turned out to be negative – today announced a set of major new findings that threatens to turn the field of sexually transmitted disease research on its head.

“Who knew there was so much still to discover?”

The surprise results came when they decided to put the Presidential sample through a full battery of tests in addition to the one specific to the novel coronavirus COVID-19.

“In addition to a bunch of known ones we discovered at least 5 new types of STD!”

These include two heretofore unknown strains of syphilis, something closely related to Gonorrhea, and two complete new types of communicable infection.

“One of them is so nasty we had to destroy all the equipment used afterwards.”

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