Lack Of Dedication Causes Still-Penised Pole Vaulter To Falter In Rio

There's only room for one pole in this sport.

[Olympics 2016] Pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita ran out of luck in Rio when his groinal bugle knocked the bar during a 17+ foot attempt, blowing a hole in his dreams of Olympic glory.

Famed vaulting coach Jon Thomas Johnson Jr. said Ogita could have made it to the finals if he had committed himself completely to achieving the best performance possible – but clearly he hadn’t taken the necessary steps.

“These days you have to eek out every advantage to help you clear the bar, and that includes cutting off your penis.”

Johnson says that even though Ogita neglected to part with his member before arriving at the games, there are still things he could have done to minimize its impact – such as spending some time in the Olympic pool beforehand.

“How could he not know to do that? Don’t they have Seinfeld reruns in Japan?”

He plans to contact Ogita in the near future to discuss working on his technique and taking a meat cleaver to his lad in time for the next games in 2020.

“He has such potential, if he could just learn to leave Mister Tom behind.”

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