[New York City] Rockstar games today announced that it is immediately recalling its latest edition in the flagship Grand Theft Auto video game franchise due to the intensely traumatic effect it is having on much of its gaming audience.
A spokesperson for parent company Take-Two Interactive said refunds for GTA: Bitches Rule™ will be issued regardless if opened or not and without the need for a receipt.
“We honestly thought this gender-reversed version would be a nice addition to the series. We never anticipated it would be this traumatic for so many of our loyal customers whom we highly value.”
A visibly shaken gamer called Shaun was persuaded to relive the nightmare of playing the offending game.
“At first I was like – this is cool.”
However Shaun became increasingly distressed as the games progressed, with the titular bitches roving through town causing havoc. He finally broke down in tears when they came upon a kindly old man and shamelessly mocked his ‘chickenscratch balls’ and ‘shriveled excuse for a dick’ before making him lick the floor like a dog and blowing a giant hole through his abdomen using a sawed-off shotgun.
“That could have been my dad – or me in thirty years.”
His friend Pete, another gaming veteran whose favorites are Manhunt 2 and Assassin’s Creed, hasn’t gotten to that level yet, but is already showing signs of severe emotional disturbance at certain aspects of gameplay he has figured out thus far.
“In the early levels the only way to earn points is to pull up beside some poor young man, pay him to do something that looks like cunninlingus while your character yells insults at him. Then you pretend to drive off, but actually put the car in reverse, run him over and take back your payment and other any money the lonely single male has degraded himself for. I mean, WTF?”
Even in the short animated scenes between levels there was plenty that was unsettling to the impressionable gamers’ delicate minds. One example is when the Bitches pay a visit to the local crime lord’s money handler, who is seen wearing only a leather thong and nipple rings.
“Why would he be wearing an outfit like that? He’s an accountant for Christ’s sake!”
Morally outraged testicled gamers flooded internet forums with their angry objections to the depravity that was taking over their innocent form of entertainment.
“What kind of diseased mind thinks up something like this?”
Rockstar assures them that all copies of Grand Theft Auto: Bitches Rule™ are to be buried in a Nevada landfill. Meanwhile, plans for the upcoming PS4 release of Maxine Payne: Feel the Heel™ have been shelved indefinitely.
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