Lawrenceville Secedes From City Of Pittsburgh To Form First Hipster Republic

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Pittsburgh awoke to find itself in the national spotlight as the neighborhood of Lawrenceville, comprising much of the city’s ninth and tenth wards, unilaterally declared independence from the rest of the city, and indeed the Union, by proclaiming itself the first Hipster Republic. Without warning, side streets were blocked off by vegan-friendly food trucks, and makeshift barricades were erected on Butler Street at the 40th and 56th street intersections, staffed by hirsute border guards who are restricting entry to pedestrians and anyone riding a fixed-gear bicycle. Those without proof of a Lawrenceville address are being issued 24-hour tourist visas with a discount coupon for vintage clothing purchases printed on the back. Sources say residents of the 3000-level blocks of Butler Street, viewed with some suspicion by the rest of Lawrenceville, are to be offered a plebiscite at a later date.

Many expressed surprise that any Pittsburgher would embrace the hipster movement in the first place, let alone lead the charge for nationhood, but University of Pittsburgh Professor of Sociology Joyce Sommers, PhD, was not among them:

“Long before anyone knew what a modern-day hipster was, many of Pittsburgh’s youthful denizens already looked like they belonged in the 1850s, or on the set of the film ‘Das Boot’ as background artists.”

Prof. Sommers puts this down to the fact that Pittsburgh has always had a frontier mentality, the end result being that you could take almost any twenty-something Pittsburgh male from the past three decades, give him a scrub and an undersized bowling shirt, and he’d fit right in to the hippest contemporary Brooklyn scene. Though this explains why Pittsburgh developed a hipster culture so effortlessly, it does not explain the rush to asserting full independence. Some contend that it’s the inevitable result of the insults and abuse they have suffered at the hands of more traditional Pittsburghers for their love of horn-rimmed glasses and yacht rock.

Others blame the seditious act on a fifth column of non-native hipsters, who arrived in Pittsburgh en masse after high rents and a desire to find untapped vinyl markets drove them out of New York City. Though outwardly identical to indigenous hipsters, there are telltale signs that give them away. They can be seen waiting on Butler Street corners for Ubers to take them to the Strip District to buy rustic cheese wheels, and they frequently give themselves away in restaurants when they politely inform their server that somebody’s French fries got accidentally mixed in with their bulgur wheat and arugula salad. Proponents of the fifth column theory make the compelling argument that these blow-ins arrive with all the righteous indignation and feelings of disenfranchisement that only a privileged upbringing in Manhattan’s Upper West Side can foster.

Whatever the origins, the immediate question on every law-abiding Yinzer’s mind is whether the National Guard will be deployed to rebut this full-frontal challenge to Steel City sovereignty. Mayor Bill Peduto quickly dismisses that possibility:

“These hipsters are not exactly known for their love of the second amendment. I could probably retake the whole of Lawrenceville myself in an afternoon with my bodyguard detail as backup. But we won’t be using force to resolve this.”

Does this mean he’s prepared to allow the fledgling country, officially known as #ROL, to stand?

“They can enjoy their little republic for a day or two, but then things better return to normal or I will be imposing a full blockade. We need the Butler Street corridor open to allow easy vehicular passage from the downtown off-ramps to the Zoo. Ironically, you could probably get there faster now by popping across the Allegheny and back again over the Highland Park Bridge, but it’s going to be years before Pittsburghers accept that it’s no longer a total shitstorm on Route 28.”

When asked how he can be so sure his threat of a blockade will work, Peduto leans forward with the supreme confidence of a chief executive of a medium-sized metropolis who knows exactly what he is doing:

“Even hipsters cannot live on vape stores and Buti alone.”

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34 Comments on "Lawrenceville Secedes From City Of Pittsburgh To Form First Hipster Republic"

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  3. And I remember when there were at least 5 bars on each side of Butler st. in every block, and you knew what time is was by the mill’s horn sounding

  4. Cut off the supply of vape juice and beard wax. That’ll end the standoff real quick.

  5. the only place worth its weight is the goldmark. but it literally stinks to high heaven in there. F l-ville. its a B rate neighborhood no better than williamsburg cept that it will take like 20 years to gentrify like WB did in 5.

  6. Nothing wrong with some entertaining hippies.

  7. One problem with the article: shouldn’t the mayor know the zoo is closed until mid-February?

    • Too small to be a republic. Too large to be an insane asylum. I saw this coming. The North Side is next. Lawrenceville has the Doughboy statue. It needs another. I am in favor of a statue depicting women and children workers fleeing the Federal arsenal immediately after its explosion on September 17, 1862.

  8. so what if pittsburgh blocks entrance into Lawrenceville, do you have stock pile of food or bunkers? haha, what if the cut off your supplies, how would you live? would you cave in and unsecede? you don’t think the city would know how to barracaid you in? i am a yinzer with a beard foo, haha.

  9. Rather than trying to be different why can’t Lawrenceville be REAL which is what Pittsburgh is all about…..a melting pot. Segregation of any kind is wrong. No one person, group, or business is above the law or better than anyone else.

  10. Donna Merlino Rau | January 20, 2015 at 10:11 pm | Reply

    …and the strip was a dark mysterious place where kind old men gave my daddy’s pretty little daughter
    a pat on the head and a shiny nickle to buy penny candy at Brownie’s neighborhood store on 42nd street.

  11. This is a very poor attempt at satire.

    • It’s an excellent attempt at satire. Butt-hurt much?

    • Ditto…this was perfect. Good stuff.

    • The articles on this website I tend to enjoy are those that tend to be satirical on something that doesn’t have a soul. Like the article on Google taking over Pittsburgh or the time-shift paradox that occurs in front of the squirrel hill tunnels. Even the park n pawn concept is mostly harmless. The problem with this article for me is it seems to be borderline racist. Piggybacking on stereotypes of a specific sect of people rather than a general population makes the writing lose all of its humor. It just seems like unnecessary discrimination.

    • Satire?.???

  12. Take the whole pack of them and forcibly relocate them to Johnstown. Both sides will see an improvement.

  13. Proud to be an “indigenous hipster.”

    • Time for a HIPSTER vs. HUNKY showdown! You’re still in the Rust Belt, my friends. Remember, hipsters emigrants, you are now in the Paris of Appalachia! Tone it down.

  14. So, Lawrenceville is revolting? Who didn’t know that?!?

  15. This is fantastic! Not only would we no longer have those jackass hipsters sullying our city streets, but we could deny them passes to visit it as well! Pittsburgh would be a much less smug place, and it would be amazing to be able to go one day without seeing some moron with RayBan Wayfarers regurgitating the latest Huffington Post to absolute strangers who couldn’t give less of a fuck!
    Yes, we would lose Lawrenceville….which is a shame….it’s overpriced rent, vegan coffee shops, and junk (antique) stores will be missed. Luckily, they don’t realize that only one of them can be the first to like everything before it was cool, so within a week they would be sure to wage war on each other, and hopefully kill themselves off so we can leave this horrible trend behind, and just like the Occupy Pittsburgh thing, nobody will remember it in a week.

    • young people! argggg!

    • I think that’s why I love Pittsburg. You’re all assholes, but u don’t get the meaning of anything said to anyone. Why the fuck would they pay to go to Pittsburg when they just went through all their shit to keep people especially like you out? I get judged like them for my ‘style’ that I adopted 20 yrs ago because now it’s the in thing. You sir might remember it as grunge. Do away with hipsters…then the I think it’s drug dealing thugs who rise next (think that’s the trend pattern). I picture u as a clean shaven suit wearing ambulance chaser with mommy and daddy issues. Just be you and free man, quit worrying about everyone else. That’s how stupid ass laws like wearing clothes and not allowed to smoke in bars comes from. Just leave it.

      • I think your opinion of “Pittsburg” would mean more if you could actually spell the city’s name properly: “Pittsburgh”, with an “h” at the end. It might also help if your post wasn’t a rambling, illiterate diatribe that makes no sense to anyone but you. “Asshole” I may be, but at least I can express myself, and voice my opinions in a way that anyone who comprehends English can understand. One final thought: it’s my opinion that any person who resorts to name-calling to make their point can usually be described by the epithets they use to denigrate the object of their Neanderthal-like descriptive powers. Or, in words that you can understand: YOU are the asshole!

      • your an idiot it's spelled Pittsburgh | January 22, 2015 at 2:24 am | Reply

        Your an idiot it’s spelled Pittsburgh not Pittsburg

  16. Donna Merlino Rau | January 20, 2015 at 3:42 am | Reply

    Heh. I find this Larrytown hipster phenomenon quite garish, most definitely curious.

    …Donna, circa 1954
    Played in the sandbox of Stephen Foster Community Center, read her way through the entire children’s/young adult section of the Lawrenceville Carnegie before it was “hip” to have a young adult collection, survived the Hari Krisna Temple, never drowned in the Leslie Park pool nor when skinny dipping in the Allegheny but did get lost in Allegheny Cemetery, made it to the suburbs, returned after art school…made it back to the burbs and sent her first born back to Larenceville in the form of said “hipster”. Karma.

  17. Thanks! You hit the rusty nail on the head with a vintage/ aka found in the basement hammer. Looking forward to more from you!

  18. Loved it take back our slice of the burg,

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