The company that makes Life Alert® – the medical alert system specifically designed to protect seniors from falls – has announced a special offer for those looking to protect monuments that they cannot be with around the clock.

“Following an epidemic of falls involving Confederate Statues, we are pleased to announce special introductory pricing for our Life Alert® system of only $39.99. Get it for the man in gray in your life today!”

Though Life Alert is generally recommended mainly for the elderly, those looking to safeguard their relic from the Old South are recommended to get one whatever their age to ensure they are not left alone should they take a tumble in a park or downtown plaza.

“With Confederate Statues it’s hard to tell how old they are as the grizzly old-timer beard was very fashionable then – so be sure to get your Confederate Statue one to be safe.”

The price is only $39.99, but you will be required to pay an additional monthly monitoring fee to ensure your statue is properly protected.

“With the Life Alert button, your beloved statue can alert our central dispatch in the event of a fall and our caring agents will get a crane out to them as soon as possible.”

YOUR GENEROUS SUPPORT KEEPS THE SATIRE COMING