Though it wasn’t witnessed on TV due to coverage rules, Senator Linsdey Graham used a brief impeachment trial recess today to assemble a guillotine on the floor of the Senate chamber. When asked what he was doing, the remarkably calm Senator from South Carolina said it was all above board.

“Dont worry – I’ve cleared it with Mitch. Does anyone have an Allen wrench handy?”

Graham also requested that a questionnaire he had prepared be handed out to any GOP senators who are unsure how they will vote.

“It simply asks for your necksize and if you would like a blindfold if you knew your life was about to end through the abrupt severing of your head from your body.”

Accused of trying to influence the outcome of the trial, Graham denied any such thing.

“My colleagues should feel free to vote how they want, and then live with the consequences – or not.”