Local Man Cheated Out Of Olympics Berth By Phelps’ Wingspan And Physical Fitness

Totally cheating! (Image credit: "Michael Phelps' by Bryan Allison via Commons license CC BY-SA 2.0.)

[Pittsburgh, Pa] Amidst all the controversies coming out of the Rio Olympics, Pittsburgh’s own Ryan Soski has a personal story worthy of national outrage, as it could so easily have been him basking in Olympic gold glory.

“Michael Phelps has totally cheated me out of the opportunity to represent my country with his peak physical condition and 6’7″ arm span.”

Ryan has checked with a number of self-appointed authorities on the subject and is fairly certain that if Phelps were forced to be 5 foot 7 in height, 233 lbs, and spend most of his time binge watching shows on Netflix he wouldn’t be doing nearly so well – so much so that it could have been Ryan who ended up on the US swim team.

“Obviously I’ve not bothered to train or learn to swim because the system is so unfairly stacked against me, but if I wanted I could definitely compete with Phelps on an even playing field.”

Ryan is especially critical of the double standard whereby Russian athletes who use banned drugs are demonized, while people like Phelps who are addicted to physical exercise are given a pass.

“The Dormont public pool has been open since Saturday May 28th and though I could have been training there this whole time I’ve never visited because what’s the point when the way everything is set up is so clearly out to get you.”

1 Comment on "Local Man Cheated Out Of Olympics Berth By Phelps’ Wingspan And Physical Fitness"

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