Male Masturbation Rates Skyrocket In Texas As Bill To Penalize The Practice Looms

(Austin, TX) The prospect of legislation to increase gun control is well known to boost gun sales in anticipation of future restrictions, and the very same phenomenon is currently playing out in Texas regarding self gratification via the male organ.

People who assess these things say rates of male masturbation are ‘going through the roof’ right now as men strive to get in as much masturbation as possible before a proposed bill to limit it becomes law.

Called the ‘Man’s Right to Know Act,’ every ‘unregulated masturbatory emission’ would result in a $100 fine. Asked whether they would continue to masturbate after passage, most Texan men said ‘of course’ though with the considerable cost now attached they would aim to have fewer high-quality solo sessions instead of jerking off repeatedly throughout the day.

Some pro-masturbation advocates initially opposed to the bill have even come around to be its most enthusiastic supporters in recent days.

“Ironically, this bill targeting masturbation could lead to better masturbating by assigning a value to it.”

It has also inspired remarkable generosity, with wealthier Texan men establishing a ‘Lend A Hand’ fund to pay fines for those too down on their luck to afford the $100 charge to rub one out.

The women behind the bill released a brief statement concerning the unexpected result of men bonding and helping each other out instead of appreciating the sarcastic nature of a bill designed to highlight the oppression of women.

“We should have known.”

1 Comment on "Male Masturbation Rates Skyrocket In Texas As Bill To Penalize The Practice Looms"

  1. Mark Greene | May 24, 2017 at 8:35 pm | Reply

    I really have to hand it to you. Tackling a subject like masturbation in Texas is an uplifting task and way too more than a mouthful to say the least. I feel your insightful reporting has gently touched the full scope of the subject. Give me a minute and I’ll thank you properly.

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