Man Discovers Any Problem Can Be Minimized By Saying ‘ISIS Are Chopping Off Heads’

[Crafton, PA] When an argument broke out at Douglas ‘Dougie’ Jones’s work over whether the #BlackLivesMatter movement had a valid purpose, he paid little attention as a youthful employee’s arguments that it did were quickly shouted down with a chorus of ‘All Lives Matter’. But Dougie was captivated by one co-worker’s response in which she asked why are we are tolerating these pampered protestors when ‘ISIS are chopping off heads’? His fascination with the phrase only increased when he heard it used again in McDonalds, this time to put someone in their place after they attempted to defend Bruce Springsteen canceling a gig in North Carolina.

Douglas has since found wide utility for the phrase, using it to successfully shut down all manner of complaints about his lackluster approach to work and life in general. He was most pleased with its effect when his wife of 39 years complained about having trash around for an extra week after he forgot to put it out – one of the few things he’s relied upon to do about the house.

“She muttered something incomprehensible and then dropped it, when normally she would have given me hell about it for days.”

Dougie’s luck with the phrase finally ran out when he tried using it to ride the 29 Robinson for free with an expired bus pass, but the PAT Transit driver insisted he could not ride without paying regardless of how many times he employed the fallacy of relative privation.

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