An elderly man complained today about not being forcibly removed from his Spirit Airlines flight after using the carrier for the first time.

Wilbur Coattes of Fort Lauderdale was left wishing the flight he found himself on was managed by United, so that the slightest expression of dissatisfaction would have seen him violently ejected from his seat and dragged down the aisle off the aircraft.

“Instead they left me on board to suffer.”

When asked why he didn’t try to leave voluntarily once the barbaric conditions he was about to endure for over five hours en route to Las Vegas became apparent, Coattes said that was never a possibility.

“You think I can get out of one of their tiny seats unaided? Where’s a gang of psychotic air marshals when you need one.”