Local Boy’s Christmas List To Consist Entirely Of Security Upgrades For Existing Toys

Retailers have warned there may be shortages this season as an unprecedented number of Christmas Lists are focused on security-related upgrades to existing toy collections. Such is the case for Tommy Duncan aged 4 of Castle Shannon PA, who was originally hoping to get his first bicycle for Christmas – until a review of his toy situation convinced him that would not be wise.

“Unfortunately, years of neglect have left the toys I already have woefully exposed to the wide variety of threats present in the world today.”

Little Tommy, who plays in the living room where the TV blasts cable news all day long, says he needs to use all the resources Santa is making available to bolster security.

“I have a duty to protect them from all that seek to undermine their way of life.”

His problems are further complicated by the difficulties he’s encountered with the security forces he already has.

“Some of the officers from my Playmobil Police Station are out of control and I fear the problem is an institutional one.”

On his list this year is the FBI Agent Costume (Toddler T4) by Dress Up America, so that he can provide some Federal oversight, given the high number of worrying actions by his police force, including over-aggressive use of military equipment he transferred to them earlier this year.

“They went a little crazy with the armored Humvee during what was obviously just a domestic dispute between two of my power rangers.”

Many of Tommy’s matchbox cars and hot wheels are quite old at this point, with multiple scratches and dents. He was going to ask for a new set with a carrying case, until he realized his model railway set was glaringly vulnerable.

“Anyone can just get on the train with a bomb. So I’m asking for the Security Check Point by Playmobil which will be used to vet all baggage and personal items.”

All of this will only address current deficiencies, and he knows he’ll need even more security once Syrian refugees start arriving in droves, with ISIS sleeper cells potentially hiding in their midst.

“I guess I’ll just have to make do as best I can until my birthday. Oh boy!”

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