Fired Today Show host Matt Lauer says he is ‘soul searching’ following his dramatic fall from grace, and is also trying to find the resolve to undertake the difficult task of explaining to his penis why it doesn’t get to go out any more.

“Unfortunately, while I can cognitively appreciate why circumstances have changed, Lil Matt doesn’t have the cortical tissue required to understand the changing social mores that no longer tolerate my inexcusable behavior.”

Not being able to read, the former TV anchor’s member is unable to appreciate the huge backlash that its escapades in the workplace have caused.

“It also didn’t know about the button I had under my desk to lock the door, so it probably figured people were free to leave if they didn’t want to hang out with it. Ultimately that’s on me.”

Lauer apologized to those who had been hurt on behalf of himself and his sexual organ.

“I tried to explain the intricacies of power dynamics and how I manipulated people’s fears about their careers to my penis, but it just looked at me dumbfounded.”