Meteorologists Brainstorm Ways To Make Winter Storm Stella Even More Terrifying

Fueled by bucket-loads of caffeine and the ever-present fear that they will be fired for not being exciting enough, the weather team at DC local news affiliate WQAC stayed up all through the night brainstorming ways to convey the extent of the impending weather-related cataclysm about to befall the city.

Chief meteorologist Dan Jenkins set the tone early by demanding that every consequence of Winter Storm Stella end in probable death.

“Don’t say slip and fall – say slip and fall with high likelihood of severing the spinal column.”

All fender-benders are to be described as narrowly averted fatal multi-car pileups.

Dan also suggests working in mentions of Islamic State whenever possible.

“We don’t know for a fact that they’re not going to use this storm as cover for an attack, which means they are.”

The team then took a moment to say goodbye to the “Eye in the Sky’ chopper crew, whom they do not expect to see again.

“Eskimos have 26 ways to describe snow. We need to have even more and they must all be absolutely terrifying.”

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