Coronavirus czar Mike Pence has wasted no time getting down to business as he met with leading medical experts today to learn the scale of the task he has been entrusted with by President Trump.
“The experts have informed me it is critical we understand the origins of this deadly disease as best we can which is why my first step will be to create a taskforce to identify the sin against God responsible.”
Pence has directed the nation’s best epidemiologists and statisticians to drop whatever they are doing and focus on finding correlations between the outbreak and increases in sinful behavior.
“I want no potential contributing factor to this epidemic ruled out – homosexuality, killing babies in the womb, wasting seed in the manner of Onan, and all forms of fornication of course.”
The rise of the trans rights movement has been fingered as a likely cause, though Pence says there will be no jumping to conclusions before the proper scientific methodology has been applied.
“We are looking into it very carefully. Rest assured that no gender identify will be left unstudied as we learn the origins of this plague and how best to appease the Almighty so that He may choose not to smite us further.”
He is also calling for private entities to join in the research and commended Pastor Pat Robertson of Regent University for agreeing to apply his keen analytic mind to the health crisis the country faces.
“Pat is always at the ready to identify the causal nature of the worst disasters we face, from 9/11 to the AIDS crisis to the Orlando nightclub shooting. I expect him to be no less diligent in his scientific investigations here.”
Pence will announce a series of mandatory measures to limit the potential for community spread shortly. The first measure – that no two people who are not man and wife in the eyes of our Lord be alone in a room together – may seem draconian but the Vice President insists it is essential to contain the spread of the virus.
“By keeping all people who are not in a heavenly heterosexual union apart the coronavirus is attacked by two distinct pathways. If one person is infected, separating the couple means that one cannot infect the other. But even if they are both uninfected it still prevents them from engaging in pleasure-seeking genital contact which could cause God to sprinkle even more coronavirus upon the Earth to show his displeasure.”
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