Millennials Seek New Ailment After Gluten Sensitivity Turns Out Not To Be Real

Image credit: adapted (cropped, bread added) from Untitled by Flickr user Jason Rogers license CC-BY 2.0.

A new scientific study by the people who proved that gluten sensitivity is a definitely a thing has proved that gluten sensitivity is definitely not a thing.

“We did it properly this time and everything we said before – it’s the opposite.”

Other than the well-established condition of celiac disease, which is definitively diagnosable through endoscopic biopsy, their latest rigorously controlled study showed no symptomatic differences between a group maintained on a strict gluten-free diet versus a group on a diet loaded up with delicious gluten.

“The science is in, and gluten sensitivity is out.”

The news has sent emo millennials into even more of a crisis than the typical levels of crisis they normally operate at.

“They’ve taken our ill-defined lifestyle-altering disease away from us.”

When confronted with the extensive body of anecdotal evidence that non-celiac gluten sensitivity is real, the researchers had a ready explanation.

“That’s the ‘nocebo’ effect, which is basically the opposite of the placebo effect in that if you think you should feel bad, you do.”

When informed of this, the single millennial interviewed for this article cheered up considerably.

“This ‘nocebo’ disease sounds pretty emo. I think I have that instead.”

One demographic that are sticking with their gluten intolerance are older hipsters, who have no problem with the fact that it has been scientifically disproved by the very people who advanced it in the first place, according to the sole older hipster interviewed for this article.

“My bag was never about authenticity.”

He then rode off on his fixed-gear bicycle with moustache handlebars that was mass produced in China sometime in 2012.

43 Comments on "Millennials Seek New Ailment After Gluten Sensitivity Turns Out Not To Be Real"

  1. Thanks so much for the post. Will read on…

  2. Scarlett Love | March 21, 2023 at 12:37 pm | Reply

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  7. The word “gluten” makes me sick, so talk about it all you want, and make sure you walk away, after,,,,confident in the thought you just made someone “gluten free”,.,.but you made them feel better as well!

  8. If you see the word Satirical at the top of an article, be prepared to chuckle a bit, or gtfo. Anybody who is offended by this had the choice to stop reading at any point, and those people are what’s wrong with our world!! Now go get your emotional support puppy or whatever crutch you use, and piss off.

  9. S. Cerevisiae | May 31, 2016 at 5:48 am | Reply

    Why is there so much anger?!? Can’t we all just get along and break bread instead of fighting??

  10. Sorry, but if your 2 year old tested negative for celiac disease by a biopsy, she doesn’t have celiac, or a “gluten sensitivity.” She could be allergic to something else or there could be another reason for her gastric upset and your insistence that it’s gluten could be preventing you from finding the real cause.

    If it were my child (who also does have food allergies and food sensitivities so I’m not callous here, I understand it’s hard), I’d want a better doctor that was more willing to look beyond a fad cause to try to get to the real root of what’s causing her to get sick. It might not even be anything to do with she’s eating but her gastric system in general.

    I was very sick as a child and if my parents had said gluten and thrown up their hands and given me a special diet instead of looking for the root causes I’d probably be dead from the gastroesophageal reflux that nearly put a hole in my esophagus, gallstones that caused pancreatitis, bleeding stomach ulcers and ulcerative colitis that made my colon bleed badly enough to hospitalize me more than once. All the things that just kept going wrong with my gastrointestinal system starting when I was a baby and continuing to adulthood. Including multiple food allergies and sensitivities, but mostly mechanical and autoimmune issues. If my parents had thrown up their hands and said must be gluten, I’d probably be dead and I certainly would not have gotten lifesaving surgery.

    If you’re kid is throwing up after meals and there’s no concrete evidence of gluten sensitivity (no positive test results suggesting celiac) please don’t be conned by a fad diagnosis, don’t believe you know better than a good doctor. Find a better doctor, go back to the drawing board, get a real answer as to why she’s sick. “Well she gets sick when she has gluten” isn’t an acceptable answer.

  11. Pissed off mom, it’s just a joke. Learn to laugh, because you’re being an asshole.

  12. JellyBellachia | November 6, 2015 at 2:20 pm | Reply

    Maybe…just maybe everyone could use a good gut cleaning. Lots of stuff stuff rolling around in the flora of the intestines…some of it years old.

  13. The problem isn’t whether there is or isn’t gluten intolerance. The problem is we have done everything in our power to circumvent natural selection. Now, the world is overpopulated, because people who should have eventually been bred out of the gene pool are still around. Just because you are inferior from a physical standpoint, doesn’t give you the right to set arbitrary limits on those of us who a fully functioning! Do what you gotta do, but don’t expect those of us who were put together right to go out of our way to help the proverbial runts of the litter!

  14. I don’t think the problem is with gluten but with the way wheat is grown and processed. It is so full of pesticides and so refined, that it is really no longer food I find that if I eat gluten in something like a refined process doughnut, I react to it, but if I eat my own homebaked rolls made from scratch using organic flour, no problems.

    The problem is NOT gluten, its the processing and pesticides in mass produced wheat.

  15. Harry ballzack | November 5, 2015 at 11:46 am | Reply

    @angrybitchassmom Know what else is gluten free? Shutting the fuck up. Add that to your diet.

  16. Alexander Schremser | November 5, 2015 at 10:14 am | Reply

    How is it possible to miss the ‘satirical’ part when it’s even stated right there on the top of the page? I’m amazed…. possibly we shoud start an anthropologic study just considering satirical websites – it would be hillarious.

  17. I find this blog to be refreshingly hilarious – I too, suffer from an unknown cause as to why I get sick off certain foods but guess what? I am not dead – I still enjoy my life, I still run through wheat fields free of care, like you see in commercials. I am sure doctors will figure it out eventually – but in the meantime, there’s no reason to be an ass about it. I will not waste energy worrying about something I cannot control while I work with my doctors to find an answer. There’s enough damn negativity in this world, which by the way has become increasingly sensitive (i.e. “Good morning, America! What are you offended about today?) and because even the slightest thing seems to piss someone off, I have come to the conclusion that hey – you’re not going to please everyone! Worry about things you can control (recycling, using your blinker when driving, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’) and quitcherbitchin! 😉 #endrant

  18. I cannot eat any bread or anything with flour or wheat. I do get real sick. It is a REAL problem.

  19. Cute. So no, it isn’t a disease after all, it’s just that some people have a body chemistry that makes them feel sick when they eat gluten. Obesity is not a disease either I suppose, it’s just that when people eat too much, they feel fat. If a group of scientists came up with this statement, I would not expect overweight people to start eating again, safe in the knowledge that they do not have a disease. Would the overweight masses start looking for a new disease? Gluten sensitive people are not, they are watching what they eat, regardless of this new ridiculous “finding.” Here’s another good quote from a team of scientists you might be old enough to remember: “There is no proof that cigarette smoking causes cancer.” That was 1974. I will continue to ask for the gluten free snacks, just as 52% of the “researchers” in this study are probably looking around for the low fat chococlate chip cookies right now.

    • Cassowary Kicks in Color | June 21, 2019 at 10:08 pm | Reply

      Wow!! Stuff another gluten free donut down that piehole so your mouth will be too full to make any more rude comments and your fingers to sticky to type them. Seriously, check yourself.

  20. Geez pissed off mom, change the channel if you don’t like what you see, exercise that right too, to much bitching….that is your legacy.

  21. Hahahaha hahahahaha

  22. There are many of us who most assuredly are gluten intolerant. For those of us who are gluten intolerant, please don’t act like we are just going through some fad diet. It is real and causes suffering. Why go through the suffering just because some study finds that gluten intolerance “is not a thing.” It is a thing!

  23. @pissed off mom. Like you daughter I too have always tested negative for Celiac and chalked it up to a glutten sensitivity. It isn’t. Turned out i have, and probably have had since childhood a crazy virus called CMV which recent studies show may be a the cause of my ulcerative colitis. Don’t let your child end up like me @ 45 with this horrible disease. Have her tested for CMV asap. A simple antiviral when I had a flare up as a child would have saved me many hospitalizations and a possible colonectopy as an adult.

  24. In most regular wheat they harvest it by dousing it with pesticides to make it all evenly turn brown so the machines have an easier time harvesting. I am finding that I may not have the gluten sensitivity I thought I had for the last 20yrs. Sprouted grains seem to do just fine.The science is limited because there are so many variables. As the saying goes “Grasshoppers without legs can’t hear”

    • No. That is not how wheat is harvested. I work with spring and winter wheat growers and their products every day. Your statement is not how harvest works.

  25. I have spent years trying to find out what was happening in my body. Many tests…no answers. A friend told me to see a nutritionist who happens to also be a licensed pharmacist. He studied my blood work from my family doctor. I had a consultation with him. He suspected a sensitivity to gluten. I went for three months without any gluten and I can tell you…it changed my life! I have times when I can eat a small bit of gluten and I don’t suffer…but if I get off track and eat some for a few consecutive days…I pay for it! Kind of arrogant for anyone who doesn’t suffer and who hasn’t had every test known to man and be in constant digestive pain to comment as though its the new popular thing to have! Get a grip! Some of us know the difference from a good day and a bad day! I take no medication…its totally handled with diet!

  26. Moms are always pissed off about something.

  27. I knew it. Gimme all the gluten and GMO products you can find!

  28. Wow. If i eat something that has wheat or gluten in it and didnt know. Within hrs i definitely do and pay for it for the next few days. So lets try like quitting smoking and go through hypnotherapy and see if ur body still swells up like the mitchellen man when u eat bread or drink a beer. A good point to study as i am one to suffer and would love to eat a fresh bread roll with vegemite.

  29. gulliver. Fantastic reply to piss off mom

  30. Pissed off mom | November 3, 2015 at 7:21 pm | Reply

    Not really funny if you are the mom of a 2 year old who has tested negative for celiac, but throws up every time she eats gluten. I’m a sarcastic person, and I don’t find you the least bit entertaining.

    • I can certainly see why you don’t find it entertaining. The scientific article referenced doesn’t find zero evidence of intolerance to gluten in absence of proven celiac disease, but does report a good deal less than anecdotally reported. The widespread societal phenomena is the ‘target’ not individual sensitivities which do exist for that and pretty much everything. It seems clear there is something of a gluten bandwagon underway, one which our wonderful corporate society is happy to jump on. On the one hand that’s good for you because it makes gluten-free products readily available. On the other hand it presents a danger of a rush to judgement so suggests keeping an open mind with your daughter’s situation going forward especially given the age involved if things should change so you don’t miss something else just because the subject of gluten is hyped right now. I’m not saying it isn’t the root cause, just that root causes are hard to pin down and can overlap so always be looking out for your particular situation.

    • Then don’t fucking read it. It’s not the world’s job to cater to your tastes. That’s what do many people in this day and age fail to fucking realize

      • Wow this whole article is very crafty disinformation created by big ag and gmo industry. This site is posing as satire to discredit Glyphosate Poisoning in the US Wheat Supply as a joke. Sick people is not something to make fun of. It is something to work really hard to cleverly try to hide and cover up if you are profiting by poisoning people!

      • im with
        with ya.

    • Not pissed off | November 5, 2015 at 8:07 am | Reply

      Lighten up, Francis.

    • oh shut up

    • maybe not,but,at least it’s had never even HEARD of gluten before this b.s.,after investing so much time and money to eat “healthy”,you now realize that people are looking for any excuse to jump some health,my great-grandpa lived to one-fifteen.moonshiner,ate a half pound of salt pork a day,and drank a half gallon of buttermilk a day.if ya wanna be sick,you will be.

    • Not pissed off in the least | February 9, 2017 at 8:59 am | Reply

      Not feeling important enough today?

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