(Portsmouth, NH) Progressive candidate Bernie Sanders has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton as the nominee in a joint appearance bringing the Democratic primary to a conclusion. There was much relief among party figures, at least until they heard how his followers were responding.

Having declared that they would ‘rather die’ than support Clinton, millions of Bernie supporters are holding mass rallies on the rooftops of tall buildings and next to cliff faces, and promptly hurling themselves off them. Though Hillary has grown used to being hated by Republicans, the knowledge that vast hordes of Democrats would rather snuff out their young lives than get behind her vision of incremental liberalism did sting.

Senator Sanders is doing his best to stop all of his passionate followers from committing mass suicide instead of focusing on defeating Trump in November, though he did make the point that such strong depth of feeling means he deserves major concessions and a prime slot at the convention. He would also like any campaign debt paid off, as he doesn’t own anything of value and doubts any bank is going to extend him credit anytime soon.

Meanwhile, establishment Republicans, many of whom said they would blow their brains out before supporting a ridiculous race-baiting candidate like Trump, continue to dutifully fall in line behind their presumptive nominee.