Since guidelines were relaxed under the Obama administration, our understanding of the medical uses of marijuana has greatly increased. Recent restrictions are worrying since needy patients could be deprived, especially those suffering from a new devastating affliction that has come to light following the recent explosion of pot dispensaries.

“We have uncovered a terrible epidemic of people suffering from not being high enough.”

Not being high enough has a complex etiology, but in the basic terms comes down to the fact that life is kind of crappy and being high can feel quite nice. Fortunately, a professional class has emerged to treat this condition who have adopted the ear gauge as their symbol.

“You don’t need a medical degree or even a high school education. Hasn’t stopped me.”

They say they will all be needed going forward as this devastating condition is likely vastly under-diagnosed.

“In addition to our current patients, there are millions more who don’t even realize they are suffering from not being high enough, and have no idea how much better they would feel given proper treatment.”

Obviously, they argue, the best way to ensure all patients are treated is to make this important drug available for everyone.

“There’s clinical depression which is well described, but we’ve discovered there’s also another kind of depression, which manifests itself as feeling deprived of top-grade sticky skunk bud.”

Anyone suffering from classic anxiety is urged to visit their PCP or a practicing psychiatrist first, unless it takes the following form in which case you should head directly to your nearest dispensary.

“If your anxiety seemed inordinately focused on the fact that all you have left to get baked with is the resin stuck to the side of the last bowl you smoked, call me for an urgent-care appointment.”