Mitten Futures Soar By 1000% On First Day Of Biden Presidency

The curtain coming down on the Trump administration is already having a strong impact on the market, which has mixed feelings overall. But the most dramatic impact was on mitten futures, which soared by over 1000% today.

“Clearly the American people must believe Joe Biden is good for the mitten industry, which was pointedly not a priority for Donald Trump.”

The record-scattering increase in speculation on mittens started just after 11am Eastern Standard Time, and has not let up since.

“Possibly it was President Biden’s decision to rejoin the Paris accord that made people realize warm attire was a good financial bet in the face of rising fuel costs, though why only mitten futures rose and not housing insulation futures is a mystery.”

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