Mon Wharf Flooded After Andrew McCutchen Makes Entire City Weep

Image credits: 'Point State Park' by daveynin via Commons CC BY 2.0 & 'Andrew McCutchen' by Flickr user Keith Allison CC BY-SA 2.0.

(Pittsburgh, PA) Parking downtown has been restricted today after the Mon Wharf flooded following publication of an opinion piece entitled “Dear Pittsburgh” by Pittsburgh Pirates Outfielder Andrew McCutchen.

In the heart-wrenching article, McCutchen describes his fears over being traded, that he is a ‘Pirate for life’ until he hears otherwise, and how he came to accept being moved to right field by recalling his father’s advice to always be an athlete first, and not be boxed in by a particular position or skill set.

Director of Public Works Mike Gable said the city can usually handle the considerable excess liquid cause by emotional sporting events, but this was different.

“We can even handle the outpouring of emotion when the Steelers and Penguins go all the way, but this piece of honest writing by Cutch… I’m sorry … I can’t… I’m sorry…’

He then asked for a tissue and bought No. 22 jerseys for everyone in the room.

Waters will subside in a few hours, though there is a risk of additional flooding should McCutchen be seen out and about being adorable with his mom.

Those with cars parked in the Mon Wharf lots are advised to check with their insurers to see if flood damage resulting from brutal honesty by the nicest guy in sports is covered.

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