Mueller Issues Subpoenas For All White House Microwaves

In a dramatic escalation of his investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has issued subpoenas requiring all microwaves located in the White House to appear before him.

Mueller says he is particularly interested to speak to a microwave rumored to reside in the President’s bedroom.

“We understand one was placed there to heat up cold French fries, and believe it could shed light on what happens during the President Trump’s executive time.”

A mini-fridge commandeered by Sean Spicer when he was still White House Press Secretary is already believed to have cut a deal. Mueller warned other electrical devices that there is no hiding from his Russia probe.

“If you’re a kitchen appliance in the White House that cooks food by vibrating polar molecules to produce thermal energy, don’t think we don’t know about you.”

Mueller promised any microwaves that fully cooperate with his investigation that they will be offered protection and treated well by him and his team.

“I promise we will wipe you down regularly and never put metal or un-cracked eggs inside you to see what happens.”

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