Following an attempt to oust him by his own party, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe gave an incoherent televised speech to the nation saying he would not step down. The 93 year-old African dictator says the Army have it all wrong, and that far from being a dinosaur, he is more relevant than ever.

“Democracy is dead, you shitkickers, look around you!”

The confused volatile nature of the speech he gave, which appeared to have little logic to it, is being taken by his opponents as a sign he is past it. But Mugabe says this was a deliberate choice on his part.

“I am not stupid. Rambling volatile buffoons are who the kids like to see in charge these days. Just look at the United States!”

He also pointed out that totalitarianism and militancy have never been more in vogue.

“Me step down? No way. I tick all the boxes.”

Mugabe admitted he had gotten careless in recent years and not kept up with the latest trends in political messaging. However, he says he is now on Twitter and will not fall behind again.

“Can’t believe the loser Army tried to oust me. So Wrong! Time to Make Zimbabwe Great Again #MZGA”