In response to rampant internet speculation that the Earth is about to be destroyed by an asteroid impact, NASA has put out a statement that the potentially hazardous asteroid known as 3200 Phaethon will safely miss us by 6.4 million miles.
“It does not pose a threat of impact.”
But the space agency stressed this does not mean we are out of danger by any stretch of the imagination.
“Our calculations predict there is still a 50% chance this near miss will trigger the greenlighting of another Bruce Willis disaster movie involving a celestial object colliding with Earth.”
Such an occurrence could pose a severe threat to intelligent life all across the planet.
“The situation becomes even more critical if Ben Affleck becomes attached to the project, as those with long memories can attest.”
NASA stressed that, even if we emerge from this latest crisis unscathed, we should redouble our efforts to protect ourselves from asteroids in the future.
“We need more early warning systems and an international effort to develop a means to disrupt the course of one heading straight for us. We also need more risk-tolerant studio executives who are prepared to take a chance on scripts that are both serious and entertaining.”
Those who feel the situation is hopeless are advised to watch ‘Total Impact’ starring Téa Leoni, Elijah Wood, and Morgan Freeman.
“See, it can be done right.”
Anything with Tea Leoni has to be good. Morgan Freeman makes it great.