Nation Issues Posthumous Apology To Richard Nixon For Calling Him Worst President

The United States issued a formal posthumous apology to its 37th President today for demonizing him as the worst thing that could ever happen to the country.

“That would imply Richard Nixon is way worse than our current President, which is patently unfair.”

A National Registry has been set up so citizens can publicly express their regret over being so harsh on Nixon only to turn around and willfully elect Donald Trump five decades later. It quickly filled up with condolences and outrage over the treatment of the cerebral if highly paranoid politician.

“Just a simple burglary and we impeached you and drove you from office? WTF! You realize what this guy’s done? So sorry, dude.”

Okay so maybe you fought communism a little too hard during the McCarty era, but you did effect a rapprochement with China and you DIDN’T COLLUDE WITH THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT TO GET ELECTED!

“Would prefer your finger on the nuclear button any day, Dick.”

“We imply you’re a crook and then elect the orange monster? I can’t even….”

Nixon was also demonized for using racial slurs behind closed doors which came to light when taped conversations were released. That also drew incredulous comments from today’s voters.

“You made those comments in private and not on the campaign trail? And no pussy grabbing or bleeding stuff? I don’t condone it but jeez – these days that would translate into a poll bounce!”

14 Comments on "Nation Issues Posthumous Apology To Richard Nixon For Calling Him Worst President"

  1. For starters, most “worst President” lists put him about 35th to 37th, quite a ways from the bottom (No. 45). Also, he was not impeached. The House Judiciary Committee adopted three articles of impeachment against Nixon but they were never approved by the full House.

  2. Richard Elswit | December 13, 2019 at 8:27 pm | Reply

    I am stunned by the ignorance of the answers here, and stunned by the ignorance of “The Nation”. This is American amnesia at its worst.

    Watergate was nothing compared to his very real treason. We now know, from his Chief of Staff, Bob Haldeman’s notes, that In 1968, during the Paris Peace Talks, Nixon opened up a back channel to the North Vietnamese and promised them they’d get a better deal from him, if they held out until after the election. He wanted the war to continue so that he could have it as an issue to run on. And they did. But he was lying and the war went on for seven more years. 30,000 American troops died in Vietnam after 1968. The guy was a monster…

    Don’t take my word for it. Here’s the New York Times:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/02/us/politics/nixon-tried-to-spoil-johnsons-vietnam-peace-talks-in-68-notes-show.html

    PBS: https://www.foreignpolicyjournal.com/2017/10/13/pbss-vietnam-acknowledges-nixons-treason/

    And George Will; https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/08/12/george-will-confirms-nixons-vietnam-treason

    Trump’s on track to damage this country more than Nixon, but he’s got some more work to do before he does.

  3. Watergate aside (and totally barring it) Nixon was a slightly above average,, fairly decent president. Even though it took him awhile,, he eventually got ALL of our servicemen,,, AND all our POWs,, “out of Viet Nam”. He established new communications with China. The US and NASA landed man on the moon during Nixon’s administration. Unemployment was quite low (plenty of jobs out there) during the Nixon administration,, but inflation was starting to “get out of hand”. On the other hand (due to the hippie-movement and Viet Nam protestors),, the supply of drugs greatly increased throughout the US during Nixon’s Administration. For the most part,, the US did NOT have to worry about foreign terrorism under Nixon, but DURING his one and a half terms,, it became “no longer safe” for a lone young woman to walk the urban,,, or suburban streets at night,,, all alone. Due to the Arab Oil Embargo, the US started experiencing gas shortages,,, long lines at the pump AND higher prices,,, mainy during the final nine months of Nixon’s Presidency. So in regards to the SUCCESS (or NON success) of Nixon’s Presidency,,, you can look at it at whatever angle you wish to view it. In some senses,, he was a great solid fine president. In some senses he was a barely above average president. In the eyes of certain viewers,,, he was indeed one of the biggest presidential disasters,, this side of West Germany.

  4. You’re a bunch of fools completely ignorant of American history. The only thing you know about Nixon is Watergate and you don’t even know what THAT was. President Nixon started the EPA, signed the Clean Air Clean Water, Marine Mammal Protection and Endangered Species Acts into law, signed Title IX into law outlawing discrimination in college athletics, lowered the voting age to 18, ended the draft, ended the Vietnam War which he inherited from two prior administrations, reduced the military budget for the first time since World War II, desegregated the Southern schools, put wage and price controls in place to stabilize the economy, took us off the gold standard, started the War on Cancer, appointed Harry Blackmun to the Supreme Court who wrote the majority decision in Roe v Wade, opened Red China, made peace with Russia, signed historic arms reduction treaties with Russia, ended the Cold War and saved Israels ass by ordering the airlift in the 1973 Yom Kippur War. Ahhh…a light bulb comes on. Crack a fucking history book.

    • Tony Casarrubia | December 6, 2019 at 6:32 am | Reply

      Regardless what Nixon accomplished he was still a guilty of crimes while in office. I was alive during that period and yes I read history but you seem to believe he was this great political figure in history and you are wrong. He should have been locked up in prison with his fifty plus Watergate buddies.

  5. Brilliant! Every day I want to get down on my knees and ask forgiveness from all the previous Republican Presidents I’ve said mean things about! Not just Nixon, but Reagan and both Bushes. In retrospect the latter three were all paragons of honor and decency!

  6. This was not funny? It was the funniest truth I have seen in a long time!

  7. Kirk J Poole | July 19, 2019 at 10:19 pm | Reply

    What “United States Issued a Formal Apology” to President Nixon? This is the worst kind of SPAM you can pull on the reading public. Nothing on the news covering this. Are you trying to be a Borowitz wanna-be?

  8. John R McMaster | July 18, 2019 at 10:46 am | Reply

    Sorry Richard for all the abuse! And Spiro Agnew wasn’t the worst Vice President either. The collaborator with the Orange One takes that prize.

    • Nah, Spiro still holds the Worst VP spot. Pence hasn’t been caught collecting bribe money in his DC office yet.

  9. So sorry for the way we treated you tricky dicky…. We had no idea what agent orange President we would get in the future

  10. Hilarious and unfortunately, true.

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