Speaking in the softest tones he could muster, NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre sought today to allay the fears of frightened assault rifles and rapid-fire-enabling trigger modifiers across the nation.

“I realize you’re feeling scared and vulnerable right now, but these things blow over. They always do.”

LaPierre promised to do everything is his power to ensure that they can feel free from harm and intimidation again, just like they did before events in Las Vegas, Colorado, and Texas.

“Know that we are working hard to keep you safe in your homes, your schools, your work, and, yes, even your church and the Mandalay Bay hotel.”

In an emotional delivery, LaPierre reminded them that he had a few terrified assault rifles of his very own back at home, so this was a personal matter for him too.

“How could I ever look them in the military-grade eyescope again if I didn’t know in my heart that I was doing everything I could to protect them.”

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