Now that he has secured sufficient support to pass his deal with Iran over their nuclear weapons program, Obama today admitted rumors of a ‘peanut butter’ clause being part of the final accord are indeed true.
“Obviously I was not about to give up our right to maintain a nuclear arsenal in return for Iran giving up theirs. They pointed out that was unfair and in a weird kind of way they had a point. So I offered to have America give up something else instead as long as it didn’t impact our national security. They talked it over with the Supreme Leader and he decided on peanut butter.”
The President knew it would be unpopular but decided that forgoing peanut butter was an acceptable price to pay to prevent Iran from getting the Bomb. Republican opponents of the deal immediately expressed outrage though secretly they admitted they are delighted with this development.
“We opposed the Iran Deal before but we can now reveal that was just us automatically disagreeing with Obama no matter how much sense he made. But now they’ve convinced him to take away our right to peanut butter, we finally have a serious issue we can get behind.”
Right-wing talk show hosts spewed forth that the ease with which Obama agreed to sacrifice the national spread shows yet again what an elitist he is. Sean Hannity was especially aggrieved.
“I bet he didn’t even grow up eating PB&J sandwiches, but egg salad with watercress or something equally unpatriotic.”
Former President Jimmy Carter, who has been much in the news of late, was asked whether he would have cut the deal if he was in Obama’s shoes.
“I’m all about peace. But I was also a Georgia peanut farmer. Tough call.”
The White House tried to quell the growing anger by pointing out that there are many other nuts that can be turned into a delicious spread, as well as a wide variety of tasty seed butters that will still be available. Donald Trump didn’t hesitate to jump on the anti-deal pro-peanut-butter bandwagon.
“Seed butter? Our founding fathers didn’t give their lives for ‘seed’ butter.”
But Obama, who has no re-election concerns, reiterated that this was how it was going to be. He next plans to negotiate a deal with North Korea to give up their nuclear weapons in exchange for Americans giving up the right to have new Pauly Shore movies made, as Kim Jong-un is seemingly unaware that the star of ‘In the Army Now’ is long past his prime.
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