Pence Feeling Left Out Of Trump Administration Because He Doesn’t Have COVID
Vice President Mike Pence was reported to be feeling ‘in the dumps’ today following his inability to become infected with the novel coronavirus as his boss and most of the administration already have. “He just…
Undecided Voters Flock To Ken Bone’s Sweater In Record Numbers
The reappearance of 2016 election Town Hall debate hit Ken Bone and his infamous Red Sweater is showing the potential to shake up an already crazy Presidential race, with a movement to elect the bright…
White House To Instead Release Names Of Those Who Don’t Have COVID-19 Going Forward
(The White House) In a bid to save everyone’s time, the White House has announced that, going forward, it will update the media with the names of people working there who aren’t actively fighting a…
Satan Self-Isolating After Coronavirus Strikes Hades
In Underworld news, Satan has announced he will not be fomenting evil in the hearts and minds of living souls for the next 14 days as he will be self-isolating out of an ‘abundance of…
Steroid-Induced Psychosis In Uphill Struggle With Trump’s Many Other Psychoses
MEDICAL BRIEF: As the public wonder about the side effects of President Trump’s medications – particularly the known tendency of high-dose steroids like the dexamethasone he is taking to cause, aggression, delirium and delusions of…
Pence Insists On Brick Wall Separating Him From Kamala Harris During VP Debate
Concerns that the Vice President would be reluctant to concede to social distancing demands for the Vice Presidential debate were put to rest today when Pence’s negotiators said they require a comprehensive barrier separating Pence…
First Lady Suddenly Develops Cough – Demands To Be Taken To Walter Reed
(The White House) The Press Secretary for Melania Trump has announced the First Lady will be departing the White House immediately to seek medical treatment after her outlook darkened considerably. “She’s just not comfortable here…
Trump Promises Greatest COVID Death World Has Ever Seen
(Bethesda, MD) Following a brief car journey to wave to his supporters outside the Walter Reed National Military Hospital where he is in residence, President Trump took to twitter tonight to reassure them he will…
Kim Jong-un Offers Dr. Sean Conley Position As Head Of North Korean State Media
(Pyongyang, DPRK) After seeing him give an update on President Trump’s condition, Kim Jong-un today extended an invitation to Dr. Sean Conley to head up the State Media apparatus of the nation he rules with…
Mitch McConnell Tests Positive For Evil
Senator Mitch McConnell has announced he has received a serious diagnosis, following President Trump’s revelation that he has tested positive for the coronavirus and has experienced symptoms. “I too have been informed that I am…
Dr. Fauci Hospitalized With Acute Facepalming Syndrome
The face of the coronavirus task force, Dr. Anthony Fauci, has been hospitalized after suffering a severe outbreak of facepalming syndrome, it was revealed today. Though Dr. Fauci developed the debilitating condition earlier this year,…
Commission On Presidential Debates Requests Loan Of Prop From Silence Of The Lambs
Saying that it was revising its format in light of how Tuesday night went, the 2020 Commission On Presidential Debates has secured the use of a well-known prop from the classic 1991 thriller, The Silence…
Nation’s Clowns Furious At Joe Biden For Being So Disrespectful During Debate
The Biden campaign is dealing with significant blow-back after the Democratic challenger called President Trump a clown during the first of the 2020 Presidential debates. In a match-up described universally as a ‘shit show’, many…
Biden Unveils Trump’s Tax Returns As His Guests During First Presidential Debate
Democratic challenger Joe Biden today announced his guest list for the first 2020 Presidential debate, which is made up of over two decades of President Trump’s tax returns. “I was so happy to learn they…
Amy Coney Barrett Pauses Nomination Ceremony To Get Instructions From People Of Praise Handlers
(The White House) There were mild scenes of awkwardness at the nomination ceremony of Amy Coney Barrett on Saturday when she paused proceedings to take a very important phone call. “Sorry but I have to…
Democrats Announce Plan To Pack Supreme Court With Everyone In The United States
Despite facing the near certainty that President Trump and Mitch McConnell will succeed in appointing yet another conservative to the US Supreme Court, Democrats appeared buoyant today after settling on a response should they assume…
‘Viruses For Trump’ SuperPAC Raises Thousands Of Infections During Pittsburgh Rally
(Moon, PA) A local rally held by President Trump has been declared an overwhelming success by Republican SuperPAC “Viruses For Trump”, who said the event was one of their best to date during the current…
CDC Reverses Its Position On Germ Theory Of Disease
(Atlanta, GA) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, following guidance from the Trump administration, has announced it is reversing its longstanding support of the Germ Theory of Disease, which maintains that microorganisms known as…
Fifth Season Of The Handmaid’s Tale To Be Filmed Without Script, Actors
Following the passing of liberal Supreme Court icon Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the flagrant assertion by Mitch McConnell that he will secure a hearing of Trump’s nominee despite the looming election, the producers of Hulu…