Trump Wishes Cory Booker Well “Jordan Peele is lucky to have you back”
Cory Booker has quit the race for the White House and has received numerous tributes, including from none other than President Trump himself. “Sadly we will not get to square off face-to-face, but Jordan Peele…
Gay Actor Nominated For Role As Traditional Family Man in ‘The Trump Administration’
Gay actor Mike Pence has been nominated for an Oscar in the best supporting actor category for his convincing portrayal as a traditional straight family man in the comedy of the year, “The Trump Administration”….
Queen Moves Meeting With Prince Harry To Tower Of London
(London, UK) The highly anticipated meeting between the Queen and Prince Harry to resolve his status has been moved from her Sandringham Estate to the Tower of London, according to a statement released by Buckingham…
Canada Apologizes For Getting Upset At Being Described As ‘Sprawling’ & ‘Bone Chillingly Cold’
The Canadian people have issued an apology for their behaviour after getting mildly incensed by a NYT article describing their country as ‘sprawling’ & ‘bone chillingly cold’. “We profusely apologize for being so rude but…
Queen’s Dog Stepping Back From Being A Full-Time Royal Pet
In a further blow to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, one of her dorgis has announced that it intends to redefine its role as a royal pet in order to spend more around public fire…
UFC Champion Conor McGregor Signs Record-Breaking Aran Sweater Endorsement Deal
Representatives of UFC mixed martial arts champion Conor McGregor announced a major advertising endorsement deal today with Ireland’s leading manufacturers and distributors of genuine Aran sweaters. The revelation is believed to be cleverly timed to…
Disorganized Cat Not Ready For Weekend
(Pittsburgh, PA) A cat who is said to be ‘very behind on things’ is not ready for the weekend, even though it is already well into Saturday. The cat’s owner, a heavy user of the…
Trump Says Targeted General Was About To Drown Litter Of Puppies
After confusion over the purpose of killing Iranian General Qasem Soleimani – which has been justified both as a pre-emptive strike and also as punishment for killing Americans – President Trump revealed on Fox News…
Iran Releases Statement On Downed Plane “Oh you meant THAT Ukrainian airliner”
The Islamic Republic of Iran has confirmed that it shot down a loaded passanger jet headed for Kiev, after categorically denied the fact for days on end. “Oh, you meant THAT Ukrainian airliner.” President Hassan…
“I could have done that” Says NASA Career Scientist About Intern Discovering Planet
The internet is buzzing with news that a 17-year-old high-schooler working at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland discovered a planet just three days into his internship there. We spoke with senior scientist…
What is THE BURGH REPORT?
Good question! What IS The Burgh Report? The answer is we’re not 100% sure yet. But we love those National Inquirer covers and it’s just too much fun not to do a local version that…
Trump Awards Medal Of Honor To Drone That Killed General Soleimani
(The White House) Citing its bravery when the moment of truth came, President Trump today awarded the Medal of Honor to the MQ-9 Reaper drone that killed Iranian General Quassem Soleimani. “You were not afraid…
Google Engineer Who Likes Breathing Replaces Bike Lanes As No. 1 Target Of Pittsburghers’ Wrath
After years of holding the honor of being the top object of the wrath of real Pittsburgers, Mayor Peduto’s bike lanes have been dislodged from their pedastal by a Google engineer writing in Public Source,…
Trump’s Iran Speech To Be Translated Into English With Sniffles Digitally Removed
Given the importance of President Trump’s latest speech on tensions between the United States and Iran, the White House has announced it will be releasing a version that will be more readily intelligible to Americans….
Mitch McConnell Agrees To Let Michael Bolton Testify During Senate Trial
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says it is high time the process of impeaching the President finds its conclusion in a Senate trial vote, and has indicated he is willing to make a major concession…
Iran Abandons Plan To Destroy Trump’s Business Reputation After Learning It’s Shit To Begin With
(Tehran) After suggesting they planned to go after Trump’s businesss reputation rather that target the United States as a whole, Iranian leaders today admitted defeat in their ploy to destroy the reputations of his hotels,…
Ricky Gervais To Host Golden Globes Again On Condition He Gets To Shit On Celebrities’ Heads
Despite saying it would be his last time hosting, comedian Ricky Gervais has indicated he would be prepared to host the Golden Globes awards gala again, but on one condition. “I get to take a…
God Admits To Nearly Launching Lightning Bolt Strike
With all the talk of the drone strike on a senior Iranian military commander, the Lord Our God has admitted that even he nearly gave into the temptation of launching a lightening bolt strike recently,…
Great News For Trump Supporters As Selective Service Changes Rules “You can all fight Iran now!”
The Selective Service System has announced it has eliminated its age and sex requirements, meaning that all Trump supporters can now be called on to do their duty in time of war. “We figured the…