Billions Disappointed To Learn Obese Authoritarian Leader Rumored To Be Gravely Ill Is Kim Jong Un
A collective sigh was let out across the globe today as rumors that an obese authortarian Head of State was gravely ill were confirmed to refer to the North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un….
OPEC Shifts Focus To Bake Sales After Oil Futures Go Negative
An emergency meeting of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) has provisionally agreed on a plan to deal with the stark collapse in oil prices, which has led to oil futures contracts entering…
National Association Of Small Penis Owners Holds Cosplay Event Downtown
(Pittsburgh, PA) For all the damage it’s done, the coronavirus did not stop the National Association of Small Penis Owners (NASPO) from holding a cosplay street fair on Grant street today. With the city otherwise on lockdown there was plently of street…
Downtown Protesters Defend Little-Known Constitutional Right Of Viruses To Replicate Freely
NEWSBRIEF: Protesters assembled in front of the County-City building today to protest restrictions aimed at limiting the free movement of viruses, which they say is unconstitutional. Many openly displayed firearms in a gesture suggesting they…
Potato-Growing Industry Collapses Following Closure Of The ‘O’
The potato-growing industry basically admitted defeat today saying it had no choice but the shut down and find something else to do. “The coronavirus slowdown was bad enough but the news out of Pittsburgh has…
Right-Wing Groups Protesting Stay-At-Home Orders Joined By Novel Coronavirus
Demonstrators calling for an end to stay-at-home orders received a boost today when their protests outside were joined by a surpise guest – the novel coronavirus. Attendees were overjoyed at the unexpected celebrity appearance. “First…
Man Who Accidentally Listened To Wendy Bell Show Suing KDKA Radio Over Lost Brain Cells
A man who was passing through Pittsburgh is suing KDKA radio for damages due to a decline in his cognitive abilities after inadvertantly hearing one of their programmes earlier this week. He claims he was…
Dr. Fauci Advises Trump Against Re-opening The Economy Or His Mouth Anytime Soon
As President Trump considers when to relax social distancing rules – a decision he says will be the biggest of his life – trusted expert Dr. Fauci has warned him against re-opening the economy or…
Nation’s Conspiracy Theorists Distance Themselves From Tom Cotton: “What a nutcase!”
Leading conspiracy theorists took to the nation’s airwaves and the unproven ether today to make clear that they had nothing to do with Senator Tom Cotton and his whack-a-doodle notions about the origins of the…
Gwyneth Paltrow Reportedly Close To Vaginal Egg Cure For COVID-19
MEDICAL BRIEF: Sources close to Gwyneth Paltrow say the lifestyle expert is very close to a cure for COVID-19, the disease caused by the novel coronavirus, and will be making it available for purchase in…
Jesus Postpones Resurrection Indefinitely “I’m sheltering in place, and so should you”
Said he was unwilling to violate stay-at-home orders to help combat the spread of the novel coronavirus, the Son of Man has decided not to be resurrected this Easter Sunday. “It’s the right thing to…
Bernie Spends First Day Since Standing Down Delivering Impassioned Address To Kitchen Utensils On Evils Of Automation
Having ended his Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has indicated he will not let up on giving heartfelt speeches about what’s wrong with America, which began today with an impassioned rally at his home attended by…
GOP Accuses Democrats Of Blocking Aid For Struggling CEOs
Leading Congressional Republicans derided their Democratic counterparts today for delaying much needed additional aid they had put together in close consultation with the White House. “This is not a time for scrutiny.” Mitch McConnell did…
Wendy Bell Kills Old Person Live On Air To Jump-Start Economy
Local radio personality and African-American-career-development-expert Wendy Bell has stirred up controversy yet again by saying the damage to the economy due to the coronavirus shutdown is not worth the lives of some old or otherwise…
Trump Furious COVID-19 Patients On Ventilators From Stockpile Haven’t Called To Thank Him Yet
President Trump expressed his extreme frustration today at the lack of gratitude being shown him despite his generosity with the federal stockpile of emergency medical equipment during the coronavirus crisis. “First the Governors don’t ask…
Millions Of Bernie Supporters Jump To Their Deaths Rather Than Back Biden
(Portsmouth, NH) In what is now a Presidential election tradition, hordes of bitterly dissappointed Bernie Sanders supporters jumped to their demise today, just as their kind did four years ago. Such are the numbers of people…
Acting Navy Secretary Successfully Torpedoes His Career
Acting Navy Secretary Thomas Modly is being commended by top Navy officers after successfully deploying a new offensive weapons system he personally developed all by himself. Called his mouth, he demonstrated its effectiveness by torpedoing…
Announcement That Beaker Will Be New Press Secretary Garners Widespread Approval
The news that Stephanie Grisham is stepping down as White House Press Secretary had barely started to circulate when a surprise announcement that Beaker would be replacing her was met with approval even from the…
Stephanie Grisham To Hold One First Press Briefing Before Stepping Down
Outgoing White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham has indicated she will hold one first briefing later today before stepping down. Sources close to Grishman say doing so is very important to her. “She wants to…