Trump Slams The WHO Over Statements About The Coronavirus “They should stick to rock music”
President Trump has described the WHO’s declaration that the coronavirus outbreak is officially a pandemic as the ‘last straw’ and demanded they stop discussing global health matters. “Just who do The WHO think they are?…
InfoWars’ Alex Jones Claims Aliens Introduced Alcohol Into His System Via His Rectum
Alex Jones, founder of the right-wing site InfoWars, has been arrested for a DWI in Travis Country, TX. But Jones says he will be exonerated since he was not at fault, given that he didn’t…
Coronavirus To Give Daily Updates On Incompetence Of Trump Administration
Starting today, the coronavirus said it intends to give daily briefings on its progress and the ineffectiveness of steps taken by the Trump Administration to halt it. The virus said it felt a responsibility to…
Coronavirus To Self-Isolate Following Exposure To CPAC Conference
The coronavirus has indicated it will be keeping a low profile after being exposed to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) meeting held recently in Maryland. It claims it was brought there by someone else…
Irish Ordered To Get Shitfaced At Home Instead This St. Patrick’s Day
(Dublin, Ireland) In a further sign of the impact of the coronavirus across the world, all St. Patrick’s Day parades in Ireland have been cancelled. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar said it was important for the well-being…
Freemasons Introduce Secret Elbow Tap To Prevent Spread Of Coronavirus
The Society of Freemasons has detailed new measures to combat the spread of the coronavirus, with the most important being the replacement of the secret handshake. “Instead we will use the secret elbow tap, details…
Coronavirus Declines To Infect Ted Cruz Despite Exposure Incident “I’d rather not”
Ted Cruz has indicated he will be self-quarantining following a potential exposure to the coronavirus, however the pathogen has said he should feel safe as it has no intention of infecting the Texas Senator. “I’d…
Trump Praised For Replacing Coronavirus Czar Mike Pence With Daryl Dixon
Despite his widely criticized non-response to the coronavirus threat, President Trump received praise today for his decision to fire task force leader Mike Pence and replace him with Daryl Dixon. “The appointment of Daryl can…
Coronavirus Backs Trump To Win Second Term “He will create the conditions for growth”
The coronavirus today gave its coveted endorsement to President Donald Trump to be returned to the White House for another four years in November. “He will create the conditions for growth that will allow us…
Trump Administration Distributes Coronavirus Test Kits
Even though it’s definitely going to go away on its own because of his amazing shutdown, President Trump announced that he has made test kits for the coronavirus available as an extra precaution. He added…
Giant Eagle Stores Confused Why Pittsburghers Aren’t Panic Buying “Yinz actually have a half-decent excuse for a change”
Managers of local Giant Eagle and Market District stores expressed surprised and confusion today at the lack of panic buyers stripping their store shelves of milk, bread, toilet paper, and cheap light beer. “Are we…
CDC Warns Public About New Strain Of Idiot That Thinks Flu Vaccine Works For Coronavirus
The CDC has issued a warning to the public about a new strain of idiot it has identified that believes the flu vaccine works just fine to prevent coronavirus infections. “We believe it mutated out…
Democratic Party Proud Of Immense Diversity Of Candidates It Whittled Down To Two Old White Guys
Democratic Party leaders today expressed great pride in the enormous diversity of candidates it fielded this election season for the Presidential nomination, saying it represented all ages, multiple racial groups, a good helping of women…
“He represents Florida” Accepted As Sufficient Explanation For Why Congressman Is Wearing Gas Mask
Images of Congressman Matt Gaetz wearing a gas mask on the House floor have garnered significant attention on social media and beyond. Gaetz intended the provocative gesture to trigger a discussion about the risks of…
Barnes & Noble To Act Like Indie Bookstore By Randomly Piling Books On Floor
Chain bookseller Barnes & Noble has announced it plans to act more like an indie bookstore in an effort to maintain market share. “Customers prefer an indie style book outlet, which is why we will…
Starbucks To Pour Coffee Straight Down Your Throat To Halt Spread Of Coronavirus
Popular coffee purveyor Starbucks has announced new measures to halt the spread of the coronavirus, including direct delivery of coffee without using disposable cups. “Though we previously merely banned personal cups, we now recognize that…
Coronavirus Task Force Announces Major Breakthrough To Jesus
As the coronavirus crisis worsens with multiple deaths in the United States, task force leader Mike Pence anounced he and his team have achieved a major breakthrough that could turn the tide. “After many hours…
Upbeat Tulsi Gabbard Identifies Path To Victory “The other candidates could all drop dead”
With her solitary delegate from her home turf of American Somao, an optimistic Tulsi Gabbard today looked beyond the Super Tuesday results when she told her supporter there was a clear path to the nomination…
Nation’s Advertising Executives Inconsolable As Bloomberg Quits Race
Following a dismal Super Tuesday performance – despite pouring half a billion of his own personal funds into his campaign – Mike Bloomberg has quit the race for the Democratic nomination, saying the best way…