Joe Biden Explains He’s Changed His Surname To 30330
Insisting that he did not make a mistake during the last Democrat debate, former VP Joe Biden (now Joe 30330) explained that he recently changed his surname. “Joe 30330 doesn’t make mistakes. He’s cool. He’s…
Jared Kushner Hurriedly Rehousing Rodent Tenants Outside Of Baltimore
President Trump’s claim that there are too many rats living in Baltimore hit close to home today, after it came out that close advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner was landlord to many of them. “It’s…
Tomi Lahren Apologizes To Kamala Harris “I assumed promotion works like it does at Fox News”
Fox News host Tomi Lahren has issued an apology to Kamala Harris for suggesting she ‘slept her way to the top’, saying it was an innocent misunderstanding. “I mistakenly assumed that female promotion in the…
Trump Calls Putin With Offer To Throw Paper Towels At Siberian Wildfires
The White House has confirmed Presidnet Trump initiated yet another call to Vladimir Putin, after the fact of that call was released by a Russian Government twitter feed. White House officials said there was no…
North Korea Releases Coin To Commemorate Historic Nuclear Summits
(Pyongyang, DPRK) After already being spoiled by the premature release of a coin by President Trump to celebrate the nuclear summit between the USA and North Korea before it was clear it would happen, numismatists…
Strongman Putin Confesses He Keeps A Pet Turtle “I call him Mitch”
Russian leader Vladimir Putin is always careful to cultivate his strongman image that plays well in the macho culture in which he operates, but he let the mask slip a little today with the revelation…
Police Charge Elizabeth Warren With Savage Murder Of John Delaney
The candidacy of Elizabeth Warren is up in the air tonight after authorities arrested and charged the Massachusetts Senator with the savage murder of one John Delaney. “It was horrific.” Authorities are confident they can…
Three Rivers Regatta Canceled Due To Heightened Alligator Threat
(Pittsburgh, PA) Sadly the annual Three Rivers Regatta has been canceled this year, much to Pittsburgh’s disappointment. Though initial reports claimed it was due to proper permits not being obtained and a failure to meet…
Someone Doesn’t Like Being Called Moscow Mitch So Y’all Know What To Do
Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow Mitch! Moscow…
Democrats Prove They Can Make Tough Decisions By Whittling Field Of 20 Down To 20
As they enter the second round of primary debates, the Democratic Party has demonstrated its ability to be firm and decisive and ready to assume power from Donald J Trump. “Tonight we have the second…
Brief Interval Between Shootings Not The Time To Talk About Gun Control Say Republicans
Speaking at a news conference on Capitol Hill today, senior members of the GOP cautioned against a rush to debate gun control in the aftermath of recent events. “The period right after this tragic shooting…
Mar-a-Lago Rats Invite Baltimore Cousins To Move South Before Winter Sets In
(Palm Beach, FL) Having learned about their existence through the news, the rat population at the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida today extended an invitation to their Baltimore relatives to come to visit before the brutal…
French Wine Industry In Freefall After Renowned Connoisseur Donald J Trump Dismisses Their Product
(Bordeaux, France) Owners of France’s most famous vineyards are meeting tonight to decide what action they can take if any to mitigate the collapse in the industry after world-renowned wine expert Donald J Trump criticized…
Thousands Of Rich Kids Devastated To Learn They’re Dumb As Shit
As the full extent of the college bribery scandal becomes clear – in which the rich and famous paid to have their milquetoast progeny mis-represented as little Einsteins and accomplished athletes – many are feeling…
Trump Invites Nobel Laureate’s Murdered Family To White House For Burgers
(The White House) Sensing he didn’t handle his meeting with Nobel Lauteate Nadia Murad as well as he could have, President Trump today attempted to make amends. “She seemed unhappy with what I said about…
Local Cat Dismayed To Learn Its Theory Of Gravitation Has Already Been Published
A local cat who had hope to publish a theory of the gravitational force was dismayed to discover it had been beaten to it by a human, Isaac Newton, who published his nearly identical theory…
Trump Blames Obama For Squeaky Hinge On White House Door
Declaring it a blatant attempt to undermine his Presidency, President Trump has accused former President Barack Obama of failing to oil a hinge on a door to the Oval Office, which has now started squeaking….
Trump Orders Infantroopen Into Nambia To Destroy Its Covfefe-Enriching Capability
Saying he couldn’t allow the rogue nation of Nambia to acquire advanced covfefe-based weapons, President Trump today announced an elite force of Infantroopen has parachuted into the remote country to destroy its covfefe-enriching capability. “They…
Steelers Wide Receiver Stuns Crowds At Training Camp By Arriving In Sensible 4-Door Sedan
(Latrobe, PA) Pittsburgh Steeler JuJu Smith-Schuster has proved yet again he knows how to turn Pittsburgh upside-down after pulling off an amazing stunt on the first day of training camp by arriving in a sensible…