Senator Grassley Demands Investigation Into Who Is Cooking Dinner For Husbands Of Female Politicians
Saying it has been a deep concern of his ever since the State of the Union address, Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa went public today with a call to protect a vulnerable minority who could…
Trump Brags In Locker Room About Cute Little Flag He Had During CPAC
(The White House) President Trump has reportedly been spending a lot more time in the men’s locker room these days, though not to exercise, but to brag to male staffers about his CPAC exploits out…
Ben Carson Stepping Down To Focus On Not Being A Token
Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson has let it be known he is stepping down at the end of the current term. “At this point in my life I want to spend more time…
Pittsburgh Area Fish Frys Launch Annual Fake News Campaigns To Smear Rivals
Lent has arrived which can only mean one thing in Pittsburgh – Fish Frys! But there is a dark underbelly to the fish fry capital of the world, where you only have to scratch the…
Fox News Devastated By Trump’s Call For A Propaganda Channel “It’s like we don’t exist”
President Trump has repeated his call for a state-run TV channel pumping out his message, to counter what he describes as the Fake News put out by CNN. While many argue that would be harmful…
Trump Tells Fire Department Not To Worry About Blaze In White House
The Fire Department was called to the White House earlier today, after tourists noticed thick smoke emanating from the building. But President Trump sent them away, assuring them it was probably safest to just let…
Trump Issues Executive Order Requisitioning Ten Million Inflatable Castles
Vowing that he still intends to build a border wall with Mexico just like he promised on the campaign trail, President Trump addressed the issue of cost today by saying he plans to reduce it…
Trump Celebrates Women’s History Month By Putting Ivanka In Charge Of Country
March is women’s history month, and President Trump has announced he is going to honor it bigly, by putting Ivanka in charge of the country for the next four weeks. “Many of you wanted a…
Trump Revokes Gun Ban For Mentally Ill “They deserve protection from psychos and whackjobs too”
(The White House) President Trump has signed an executive order revoking an Obama-era ban on selling guns to the mentally ill. Trump said he was proud to do so to afford them the protection they…
Heartbroken Parents Commit Millennial To Independent Living Facility
Jerry and Ann Searly of Irwin, PA, knew the day would come when they would have to make the painful decision to commit their IT manager son to a living facility more appropriate to his…
Kim Jong-un Confirms North Korea Follows A Michael-Cohen-Oriented Nuclear Strategy
President Trump has been vindicated in his latest explanation for why the nuclear summit failed by none other than Kim Jong-un himself, who has confirmed his country has always followed a Michael-Cohen-oriented nuclear policy. “I,…
Mark Meadows Has Lovely Daydream Where He Represents Virginia Instead
Representative Mark Meadows of North Carolina excused himself for appearing distracted today, which he said was because he was daydreaming. “Sometimes I drift off to a wonderful world in my imagination where I can really…
Local Snow Storm Upgraded To Buy All The Milk And Bread N’at
(Pittsburgh, PA) Meteorologists are warning that a heavy precipitation system threatening Pittsburgh is going to be more serious that expected, and they have consequently revised their forecast. “We are upgrading this system to Buy all…
Trump Demands ‘More Exciting’, ‘Off Script’ Constitution
Fresh from his freewheeling two hour speech at the 2019 Conservative Political Action Conference, President Trump has denounced what he described as an outdated boring Constitution that is holding the country back. “We need a…
Betsy DeVos Confirms Trump’s SAT Score Is Super Impressive “It’s even higher than mine!”
One of Michael Cohen’s claims during his extraordinary testimony to the House is that Trump made him pressure schools into not revealing the President’s SAT score. This has led some people to suggest his SAT…
Pence Demands To Know Sex Of Flag Before Hugging It At CPAC
Though the enduring image of CPAC 2019 is President Trump hugging the American flag, Vice President Mike Pence was supposed to have done the same during his speech to help fire up the crowd. However…
New-Looking Parka Has Supporters Fearful Sanders Has Joined The Elite
Senator Bernie Sanders has launched his 2020 bid for the Presidency in Brooklyn. Given the high impact he made in the 2016 Democratic primary before eventually losing to Hillary Clinton, he has a solid base…
CPAC Burns To Ground After Too Many AOC Effigies Are Set On Fire
(National Harbor, MD) The Conservative Political Action Conference has come to an abrupt end, after a fire engulfed the building in which it was being held. “Fortunately nobody was hurt, except the person who had…
Melania Embarking On Three-State “Be Away From Your Creepy Husband” Tour
First Lady Melania Trump is embarking on a three-state tour on which she wants to promote a positive message on how to ‘be best’. “Like if you realize you’re with the wrong person but are…