Descendant of Blackbeard Threatens to Sue Pittsburgh MLB Franchise over Name
As home opening day arrives for the Pittsburgh Pirates, they look to be in great shape to provide us with an entertaining, and hopefully winning, season. But, unknown until now, a dark cloud had been…
Historical Treaty Discovered In Archive Makes Pittsburgh Part Of France
The legal status of the City of Pittsburgh has been turned on its head with the discovery of an agreement dating from the French Indian wars that was found in an archive at City County…
America Unites To Pass Gun Control Measures To Limit Senseless Slaughter Of Its Citizenry
The United States has stolen New Zealand’s thunder when it comes to implementing sensible gun control in a straightforward and expedient matter in stunning fashion. The decision came following an emergency session of both houses…
Pittsburgh’s Self-Driving Cars Flee City Before Summer Construction Starts
Operators of Pittsburgh’s self-driving car projects, including Google, Uber, and Argo AI, found their work at a standstill today after all their autonomous vehicles went missing. “There is not a single self-driving automobile in the…
US Military On Full Alert To Defend Against Threat Posed By New SNL Episode
The President has ordered the U.S. Military on full alert, having learned a devastating attack upon the American way of life is imminent, possible in a matter of hours. Generals from all branches of the…
Betsy DeVos Says Special Olympics Funding Was Cut So Athletes Learn To Face A Challenge
Following the backlash over cutting funding for the Special Olympics, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos spoke up today to say it was being done for the best of reasons. “These special olympians have to understand that…
Feds To Investigate Whether Jussie Smollett Violated Jussie Smollett’s Civil Rights
President Trump has weighed in one the Jussie Smollet case, saving the DOJ and the FBI will step in as they have done in other cases where a state failed to prosecute the offender. Attorney…
God Raptures Pennsylvania Legislator In Damage Control Exercise
(Harrisburg, PA) Pennsylvania’s State Legislature was treated to a mini version of the rapture today when one of their members was summoned to God’s side by ascending abruptly into the heavens. The miraculous occurrence happened…
MySpace Back On Top Again After Facebook Deletes White Nationalist Content
In an unlikely second act, widely mocked and also much beloved social media platform MySpace has overtaken Facebook in terms of content and activity. This was due not to an increase in the popularity of…
Trump Campaign Warns Facebook It’s Servers Are Down “None of our Groups show activity”
IT specialists for the Trump Campaign have notified Facebook that it is experiencing a massive outage, after seeing no activity on the many Trump supporter groups they follow and post to. “There’s no new activity….
Bill Barr Chains Himself To Ground Claiming Evidence Of Gravitation “Inconclusive”
Attorney General Bill Barr has asked colleagues at the DOJ to be patient with him, as he has decided to permanently tether himself to the Earth, which makes getting around more difficult. “Better safe than…
Not Prosecuting Smollett Risks Epidemic Of People Paying Nigerian Brothers To Beat Them Up Warn Experts
The decision to drop all charges against actor Jussie Smollett is receiving widespread criticism for sending the wrong message. “This signals to everyone who wants to gives money to ripped Nigerian gym rats to beat…
NASA Blames Astronaut For Failed All-Female Spacewalk “She refused to go without her face on”
NASA has denied charges of incompetence and misogyny after a planned all-female spacewalk had to be abandoned after there weren’t enough spacesuits available in women’s sizes for it to go ahead. Controllers have denied they…
President Trump Develops Sudden Fondness For Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
The chances Krispy Kreme doughnuts will be served at a formal White House dinner grew today, as President Trump announced they are now one of his favorite foods. “I always preferred Dunkin Donuts before, but…
Nation Questions Reality That Produced Headline “Lawyer Of Pornstar Paid Off By President Charged With Extorting Nike”
Philisophers warned the public that the uneasy aimless feeling they are experiencing in light of headlines involving Michael Avenatti is simply them questioning the very nature of reality. “When things get too strange, it’s natural…
Florida ‘Still Probably Up To Something Despite Lack Of Stories’ Say Media Outlets
The nation’s leading news media outlets has warned the public not to misinterpret the current lack of major news stories about what a basketcase Florida is. “Just because we don’t have any mindblowing articles about…
Rudy Giuliani Says Mueller Report Clears Trump Of All The Many Crimes He Committed
Presidential super-lawyer Rudy Giuliani today weighed in on the Mueller Report that has been made public. “This report clearly exonerates President Trump of all the many crimes he committed.” Giuliani said this meant Trump and…
Putin Calls Trump To Congratulate Him On Not Being Found Out
President Trump has spent the day receiving calls congratulating him on being cleared by the Attorney General of charges he colluded with Russia following the submission of the Mueller report to the DOJ. One of…
High School’s Stage Adaptation Of Alien Raises Concerns They’ll Do Prometheus One Day
A High School adaptation stage adaptation of the iconic movie Alien has garnered nationwide attention, both for its stunning brilliance but also because it is almost certainly a violation of copyright. Initial concerns were that…