[Cupertino, CA, 9:43am PST] There was widespread panic this morning at Apple’s headquarters when executives suddenly realized it was already October 27, the date of Apple’s trademark media event that technology fans and journalists wildly anticipate long in advance. Tim Cook was not pleased.

“Where does the time go?”

But he accepted ultimate responsibility for totally forgetting to develop some new products or features, saying he would have remembered earlier but was distracted by the Presidential election.

“Steve would have been cracking the whip on preparations for this event before the last one had even ended. My bad. So just come up with something in the next three hours or you’re all fired.”

Chief designer Jonathan Ive thought they had something good in reserve with a bit of wow factor, but it turned out not to be the case.

“Did we already let them know the iPhone’s losing its headphone jack? We did. Rats.”

But Cook reportedly became much more relaxed after deciding to simply make something up called a touch bar, scale up or scale down the iPad because that’s easy, and pretend like Apple TV is a new thing. Then it would be China’s problem to rush it all straight into production.

“Just remember to tell Foxconn that no-one in Shenzhen gets to sleep tonight.”