Panicked Democrats Seek Lunatic Candidates Ahead Of Debate To Boost Viewership

Fear has gripped operatives charged with organizing the first televised debate between the Democratic Presidential candidates as they scrambled to find anyone who might make tonight’s debate a must-see event.

“All of our candidates are sane responsible people you could conceivably entrust the nation with. From a TV perspective this is a catastrophe!”

Though the Democrats are used to having this problem every election cycle, this time the disparity between them and the Republican candidates when it comes to entertaining lunacy is especially pronounced.

“Even if you discount the phenomenon that is Donald Trump, they still have a huge advantage when it comes to that trainwreck factor TV loves. We’re just starting out and we’ve got butkis.”

It’s not just the level of insanity their candidates possess, but the sheer numbers of them – from Carly Fiorina to Ted Cruz to perennial nutcase Rick Santorum – that makes the GOP so formidable when it comes to attracting audiences brought up on a diet of Kardashians and reality programming.

“These guys have so much depth on their bench they not only managed to fill an entire primetime debate stage with entertaining political whackjobs, but also a pre-debate forum as well. We’re so far behind it’s not even funny.”

The Democrats have tried working with the field they’re stuck with, but none of them do unserious at all well.

“We asked Bernie Sanders to play up the crazy Doc Brown act. He tried his best but as soon as he speaks it’s clear he’s not insane.”

The best they could realistically have hoped for was a little goofy entertainment from Joe Biden, but he is not expected to participate, as he is yet to declare his candidacy.

“All that’s left is the unlikely prospect of a last minute appearance of a gaffe-prone but ultimately highly-respected serving Vice President who has endured personal tragedies most people can barely contemplate with a grace that is remarkable. Great for running a government – not so great for getting 23 million people to tune in for some mindless titillation.”

The first Democratic Presidential debate is tonight at 8:30 p.m. ET live on CNN and CNNgo. Viewers are urged to join the conversation at #DemDebate.

“If you can manage to stay awake, that is.”

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