Following the successful passage of a new tax code law by City Council earlier today, Pittsburghers will now face a tax penalty, or alternatively can lower their tax burden, depending how nice they are to their fellow residents.
Under the plan, everyone will be assigned a personal conduct index – already being dubbed the ‘Jagoff score’ – which will factor in when estimating their local tax payment.
Each person will start off with a Jagoff score of 0 – meaning taxes are unaffected – which will rise or fall depending on the amount of antisocial behavior or good works throughout the year.
Somewhat counterintuitively, sounding like a Jagoff will not raise your Jagoff score, but can actually lower it, as long as your Pittsburghese is not overtly offensive or demeaning to others.
“For example, Pittsburgh Dad star Curt Wootton will automatically start with a negative Jagoff score for services rendered promoting our native tongue, thus entitling him to local tax relief next year.”
Scores will rise as a result of familiar Jagoff behavior such as excessive use of parking chairs, being disorderly on the South Side, and not maintaining speed through tunnels.
PPD officers and Parking Enforcement officials will also be empowered to issue on-the-spot penalty points for generalized Jagoff behavior, even if it doesn’t otherwise constitute an offense.
When it comes to determining if your personal conduct could lead to points, Mayor Peduto suggests using the Mister Rogers test.
“Ask yourself would Fred Rodgers approve of what you are about to say or do. If the answer is no, you run the risk of increasing your Jagoff score.”
Though the plan has been well-received overall, there are a number of vociferous opponents who think the whole idea is stupid.
“But they tend to be Jagoffs, so of course they would.”
Stupid or shall I say Did we vote on this? It will not affect most of us only those in public eye so not fair.
The mayor is an arrogant drunk dummy. Come out of the closet already.
One of the pluses of living in pittsburgh. Good sense of humor in most of us. Starts with our mayor.
To Marcianax Sorrentino, oh, this is real. We are chasing Portland, Oregon in a race to determine who can be the most intrusively nice. (Fargo is ahead of both of us, but they’re next.) We already have two rivers, as Portland does, Mayor Peduto is blanketing the city with bike lanes, and Pennsylvania now allows us to buy wine. We’re gaining on them.
3 Rivers. Pittsburgh has three Rivers. You will now be taxed.
I so want this to be true.
Do not live in th City, but this has to be a joke. How could something like this get passed.
“Satirical” kind of gave it away at the top of the page…