The New Year has arrived and brings with it more road construction, detours, and commuter headaches. Though that is a yearly ritual, the need for continued repair work on the damaged Liberty Bridge means more commuter headaches than ever this year, according to PennDOT officials.

“Unfortunately we still have work to do on the Liberty Bridge deck which means more closings, but if you go into torpor now you should be able to survive the winter months without the need to cross the Mon in an automobile.”

They recommend those living in the South Hills check with their physician for exact details, but basically they should actively down-regulate their body temperature and metabolic rate so that they don’t need to find food or work or otherwise engage in activities that might require them to cross the Liberty Bridge.

“We also recommend that, just as bears do, you recycle your proteins and urine, preventing muscle atrophy during the time you are hibernating because of heightened traffic restrictions.”

PennDOT suggests anyone having difficulty hibernating contact NASA as it has been researching how to keep people in suspended animation for extended periods.

“We expect they can help because, like us, they are engaging on a highly complex mission to transport human beings around, though in their case to Mars and back.”