In the ongoing effort to make Pittsburgh the second home of Amazon, Mayor Peduto’s office has offered up Schenley Park as the perfect undeveloped urban location for the prized new headquarters.
“And whichever other parks you need – we have far too many here anyway.”
As an added incentive, Pittsburgh will also pass a law that city residents are only allowed use Amazon products – e.g. Fire tablets instead of iPads – where a choice is available.
“As a mark of good faith we’ve already ordered all the area Walmarts to shut down immediately.”
In addition, a Pittsburgh royal family, the House of Bezos, would be established with veto power on City Council when matters affecting Amazon are put to vote.
“Sorry, Rooneys, but your unofficial reign is over.”
As King, Jeff Bezos would get to enjoy the privileges of a medieval tyrant rather than the largely symbolic role modern monarchs typically hold.
“True, he will be able to have anyone legally killed within city limits and can take any male resident’s wife as his concubine for the night. But hey – 50,000 jobs!”
Bezos said he will respond to the offer once he’s seen the extent to which other midsize American cities are prepared to go.
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