Proving it is not a city to be messed with, Pittsburgh has expressed its disgust with US Olympic swim champion Michael Phelps by ridding itself of water. The dispute began when Phelps snubbed a reporter who was wearing Steelers gear at a press conference, which did not go down well with the team’s home town.

To demonstrate the enormity of the outrage felt at his comments, Pittsburghers have taken the extraordinary step of banishing the thing most closest to Phelps’s heart – water – from city limits. Rivers have been dammed upstream and all municipal pools drained. Though a few indoor hotel pools may still be functional, roving bands of Steeler Nation diehards are exerting pressure to ensure that they too are eliminated. The PPD and City Government said while they could not condone the action, they would not attempt to prevent it either, such is the depth of feeling on the issue.

When one of the ringleaders was asked to comment on the issue, he did not mince words.

“I can guarantee yinz one thing – if that jag Phelps thinks he’s going to be swimming in Pittsburgh anytime soon, he is sorely mistaken.”

The campaign should wind down towards the end of the week, however, as the most ardent Steelers fans leading it are denying themselves water in all its forms – and so are expected to succumb to death by dehydration within the next few days.