Valentine’s Day is a time when love is in the air, when restaurants gouge captive customers, and when clueless lovers go on last-minute expeditions to find chocolates for their paramour that don’t look like they came from the corner drugstore.
But North Oakland resident and short-order cook Dolly MacKowski thinks they have it all wrong when it comes to the true food of love.
“Working in a late-night diner, I see a lot of inebriated young couples who are getting something to eat before a night of no-holds-barred sexual experimentation. And I promise you; they’re not ordering chocolate-dipped strawberries or oysters Rockefeller. They’re ordering pierogies.”
She is so convinced of the aphrodesiac properties of the pierogi that she has even started offering her classic-style pierogies packaged in a microwaveable heart-shaped gift box.
“It took a while to find the right formulation of red satin fabric that could withstand the hot butter and acidic onion juices, but I persisted.”
You won’t find any corny heart-shaped pierogies inside, however. For her the half-moon shape is sacrosanct, and, in any case, the pleasures of the pierogi are all about taste and texture, according to this two-time divorcee and avid Fifty Shades fan.
“You first stroke the silky outer surface of the pierogi with your tongue, until the desire to reach the soft inner chamber of pureed potato and cheese overwhelms you. Then you oh-so-tentatively penetrate the protective pasta casing with glancing blows of your canines, edging yourself into a state of ecstatically painful salivation. Finally you press down forcefully with your molars to release an oozing river of greasy goodness that gently slides down your throat.”
She doesn’t recommend her gift-wrapped pasta treats as a token of commitment. For that she suggests something more enduring, like a pair of earrings, or a car. But as a symbol of fiery hot passion and lustful desire, they have no equal.
“Whether it’s with a long-term partner, or a stranger you just met at the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern, ordering up a round of pierogies is the certain path to carnal bliss.”
She emphasizes that you need not always go to a restaurant, or splash out on fancy gift-wrapped pierogies like hers.
“Sometimes my lover will break out a box of Mrs. T’s and we will engage in an erotic ritual of feeding each other a starch within a starch enveloped by aromatic oils and slivers of partially-rendered onion.”
Dolly’s dream is a simple, yet profound, one – that horny couples all over Southwestern Pennsylvania will yield to the pierogi’s suggestive plump contours this Valentine’s Day.