NEWS BRIEF: Bar owners on the South Side are breathing a huge sigh of relief tonight as tills are ringing after all. With the St. Patrick’s Day parade cancelled, revellers were planning to not bother turning up for the yearly after-party on the South Side. But then something magical happened:

“The coronavirus arrived in Allegheny County just in the nick of time!”

The word spread quickly amongst young and old, but mainly young, that the party was back on.

“Yinz Guys, we have gawt to get dahn to Carson Street and welcome this new virus to Da Burgh rawht nah!”

Pittsburghers duely lived up to their reputation of being welcoming of all newcomers to the neighborhood, whomever or whatever they may be. As of 10 pm, a brisk trade was being reported on the South Side as people turned up to drink in honor of region’s newest inhabitant, COVID-19. Bar owners hope to make it an annual event.

“Next year we invite everyone who is still alive to come down and formally make this a South Side tradition!”