The beloved Log Jammer at Kennywood was supposed to have its final riders on Sunday, but that will not be the case according to Pittsburghers who have forcefully occupied the Park in protest at its closing.

“Yinz better keep it open n’at, or there’s going to be a conniption round here.”

Mayor Peduto said he generally doesn’t approve of giving in to terrorists, but this case is special.

“You can’t dismiss the passion of Pittsburghers when it comes to their love of amusement parks.”

He has therefore deputized Rick Sebak as a special envoy to negotiate a settlement with the protestors, and hopes to bring events to a peaceful conclusion as rapidly as possible.

“We will make this right.”

The standoff is being described as the most serious of its kind since the infamous West View Park riots of the late 1970s.