Numerous reports are coming in from all over Pittsburgh that Giant Eagles are stuffed to the brim with aggressive last-minute shoppers determined that Christmas not be completely and utterly ruined because they don’t have thyme and tinned cranberry sauce.
“It’s a madhouse out there.”
City officials have warned those thinking of going to the supermarket to think long and hard before doing so.
“Maybe you think that bypassing your local crappy Giant Eagle and going to a Market District store is the answer. But that just means there’ll be more people to trample you to death if you show any weakness.”
Still, some are managing to make good out of the situation, especially those who got to a Giant Eagle early enough to grab a cart.
“They’re currently trading for $50 a minute on the black market.”
Mayor Peduto said only people who have experience in potentially deadly crowded situations — like those who have ridden the Tokyo subway or regularly attend Point State Park fireworks displays — are recommended to venture out.
“We won’t stop you but we cannot guarantee your safety.”
But many who have left their Christmas food shopping until the last minute are opting to play it safe this year.
“Yinz are crazy to go out there rawt nah. Instead I found some Chef Boyardee canned ravoli, cool whip, and stale sponge at home. It may not be the tastiest Christmas n’at, but at least I’ll survive it.”