Cincinnati Zoo staff officials were surprised and confused today when police tasked with investigating events leading to the death of Harambe the gorilla reported that they had found a loaded pistol and dealer quantities of hard drugs on the corpse of the silverback great ape.

A local designate from the Fraternal Order of Police told zoo officials to tell whoever delivered the fatal shot ‘not to sweat it’, and then requested all security camera recordings of the incident to be handed over. They were later reported to contain no usable footage due to ‘power line interference or something like that’.

Police have also offered the services of FOP lawyers, who immediately inquired if the two female gorillas in the enclosure had ever lodged detailed complaints about Harambe’s violent behavior.
Zookeepers said that was impossible as the gorillas couldn’t write or speak English, which the attorneys said they could spin as evidence of intimidation. Though it would be technically irrelevant to the shooting incident, they said it could ‘play well to a grand jury if things went that far’.

They also advised zoo employees not to speak to the press under any circumstances, and reassured them that should anyone find themselves put on unpaid leave there was always a job waiting for them at the union hall.