[Washington, DC] The Pope’s visit to North America is underway and he has wasted no time shaking things up. Originally billed as an opportunity for Pope Francis to bring his message of peace and love to the United States, he was worried that people may have become numb to the traditional platitude through overuse.
“In the interest of clarity I have revised the message I will be bringing to be one of Peace and Love and Not Being Greedy Capitalists Shits.”
After greeting the Obamas and explaining to the Secret Service that the tiny Fiat on the tarmac was his, the Pope’s first request was to meet with former hedge fund trader Martin Shkreli as he had a personal message for the CEO of Turning Pharmaceuticals.
“Bless you my son. May you find peace and love in your heart and not raise the price of AIDS drugs by 5000% you greedy capitalist shit. Now wipe that grin off your face before I do it for you.”
Next, the Pontiff is due to speak to a joint session of Congress where he expects he will wear out the phrase ‘Greedy Capitalist Shits’ and will have to think of a new one.