President Trump announced today he was taking decisive action to preserve the environment, and to prevent fragile oil wells dear to his heart from dwindling in number.

“Thanks to this new executive order, oil wells that may have gone extinct will now thrive all across this great nation.”

He described the huge array of threats oil wells face in the modern age, ranging from predatory regulations and encroachment on their natural habitat by trees.

“This is why we must act to guarantee vast tracts of land be preserved for them to roam free.”

Trump explained that not only will oil wells do well, but also a vast ecosystem of other species that depends on them too.

“Bankers, refineries, and business executives that depend on the delicate balance of nature being maintained will also benefit.”

He said he looks forward to expanding his new conservation program from the continental United States into Alaska in the near future.